They say: "If you hit problems with this, don't spend more than a couple of hours on it. We're paying them for support we never use, so we may as well use it this time."
Two days later I say: "We don't know how to make it do this. None of the documentation even mentions it, so we don't know if it's even technically possible in the first place. Everything's on hold until we can get this resolved - can we call the company and get them to help us?"
They say: "Look it up on Google. We're not getting support in just to help you out."
05 September, 2006
I'm still here
I have a workmate. Let's call him Ted E., because he talks just like Ted E. Bare
"This is quite complex. Earlier on you were looking at something that I've now decided looked like this, so I'll give this to you to work out."
I look at it. Get a headache. Make sense of it. I take it back to Ted E. and try to explain to him why it's complex and how it can be handled. Ted E. looks pained.
"Yes ... yes... All I was trying to show you was that it was complicated. So I've been doing it this way."
"This way", unfortunately, is the wrong way and involves labelling something as something else which it clearly isn't, and then trying to treat it as such. Not surprisingly this isn't working terribly well, hence the complexity of the problem he's raised.
"Well," I try to begin, "perhaps what we need to do is start by calling this what it is, and then building on that."
Ted E. looks confused. "But I've been doing it this way." (For some reason I begin getting flashbacks to Spinal Tap and their speakers that go up to 11.)
"That's what I'm saying. Maybe we need to look at doing it a different way that's a better reflection of what it actually is."
"That's why I was trying to show you how complicated it is, and why this is what I've been doing with it."
Let's try again. "It is complicated, which is why I think we need to consider doing it differently and treating it as something that's distinct from what it's been treated as so far."
Pause. Ted E. frowns slightly. "But this is what I've been doing with it."
He catches my look of pained frustration and misinterprets it completely. "It is very complicated, like I showed you. How about you go away for a while and think about the best way to tackle it?"
It's like wrestling with a giant sponge - as soon as I get tired of applying any pressure, he springs back into his original shape.
"This is quite complex. Earlier on you were looking at something that I've now decided looked like this, so I'll give this to you to work out."
I look at it. Get a headache. Make sense of it. I take it back to Ted E. and try to explain to him why it's complex and how it can be handled. Ted E. looks pained.
"Yes ... yes... All I was trying to show you was that it was complicated. So I've been doing it this way."
"This way", unfortunately, is the wrong way and involves labelling something as something else which it clearly isn't, and then trying to treat it as such. Not surprisingly this isn't working terribly well, hence the complexity of the problem he's raised.
"Well," I try to begin, "perhaps what we need to do is start by calling this what it is, and then building on that."
Ted E. looks confused. "But I've been doing it this way." (For some reason I begin getting flashbacks to Spinal Tap and their speakers that go up to 11.)
"That's what I'm saying. Maybe we need to look at doing it a different way that's a better reflection of what it actually is."
"That's why I was trying to show you how complicated it is, and why this is what I've been doing with it."
Let's try again. "It is complicated, which is why I think we need to consider doing it differently and treating it as something that's distinct from what it's been treated as so far."
Pause. Ted E. frowns slightly. "But this is what I've been doing with it."
He catches my look of pained frustration and misinterprets it completely. "It is very complicated, like I showed you. How about you go away for a while and think about the best way to tackle it?"
It's like wrestling with a giant sponge - as soon as I get tired of applying any pressure, he springs back into his original shape.
25 June, 2006
Not dead yet.
No, I'm not dead. Yes, I've been slack. But things have been happening, and I've been persistently unwell (over it now), and it's possible I may soon be leaving for Cow-orker free pastures once again (like I haven't tried that one before).
For the last few months I've been working two jobs - one, wrangling the Cow-orker; the other, doing similar work (minus Cow-orker wrangling) at another organisation. My week's been split in half between the two, which has limited my exposure to the Cow-orker. It also means that my working week now very clearly has a sane part, and a crazed, irrational part where my day is dominated by the Cow-orker and the Crazy Man. If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone was trying to conduct bizarre psychology experiments on me.
In fact I don't know better. Hmm...
Anyway, the two jobs situation looks set to end shortly (unless the Crazy Man pulls something bizarre and HR-related from someplace unthinkable) and in the near future I'll almost certainly be moving full-time to the sane workplace. It has its own quirks, to be sure, but there are no prominent Cow-orkers, Project Managers, or sequels to Project Death Spiral lurking in the offing. All I need for them to do now is to work out quite what they want me to do there on an ongoing basis. And then, of course, make sure it's an ongoing basis and not just something that wil evaporate at the end of the year.
But what this means is that once again (ha-hah) I'm facing the prospect of having dramatically less to post here.
This hasn't been helped by the fact that the Cow-orker herself has actually gone slightly sane. No, really. She's just separated from The Spouse, and the lack of mutual insanity at home seems to have made her slightly more rational at work. Slightly. And there are signs that it's wearing off already, so it's possible that she's going to continue her random acts of berserker stupidity in the workplace, but in different ways. But, as I've said, unless the Crazy Man acts fast to keep me there, I'm not going to be directly exposed to the madness.
So that's where things are at right now. There'll be a random smattering of updates to come as I begin ploughing through recent e-mails and catch up on things.
For the last few months I've been working two jobs - one, wrangling the Cow-orker; the other, doing similar work (minus Cow-orker wrangling) at another organisation. My week's been split in half between the two, which has limited my exposure to the Cow-orker. It also means that my working week now very clearly has a sane part, and a crazed, irrational part where my day is dominated by the Cow-orker and the Crazy Man. If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone was trying to conduct bizarre psychology experiments on me.
In fact I don't know better. Hmm...
Anyway, the two jobs situation looks set to end shortly (unless the Crazy Man pulls something bizarre and HR-related from someplace unthinkable) and in the near future I'll almost certainly be moving full-time to the sane workplace. It has its own quirks, to be sure, but there are no prominent Cow-orkers, Project Managers, or sequels to Project Death Spiral lurking in the offing. All I need for them to do now is to work out quite what they want me to do there on an ongoing basis. And then, of course, make sure it's an ongoing basis and not just something that wil evaporate at the end of the year.
But what this means is that once again (ha-hah) I'm facing the prospect of having dramatically less to post here.
This hasn't been helped by the fact that the Cow-orker herself has actually gone slightly sane. No, really. She's just separated from The Spouse, and the lack of mutual insanity at home seems to have made her slightly more rational at work. Slightly. And there are signs that it's wearing off already, so it's possible that she's going to continue her random acts of berserker stupidity in the workplace, but in different ways. But, as I've said, unless the Crazy Man acts fast to keep me there, I'm not going to be directly exposed to the madness.
So that's where things are at right now. There'll be a random smattering of updates to come as I begin ploughing through recent e-mails and catch up on things.
16 May, 2006
Cow-orker: Client torture
Hot off the phone to the dentist, the Cow-orker is wondering why a client is giving her grief for giving him instructions for installing software that can't possibly work on his computer.
I try to explain to her the reason the instructions she's given him can't possibly work on his computer: she knows he's using a Mac, yet she keeps giving him instructions for installing the software under Windows with the advice that "but this is how it works under Windows!" and is struggling to grasp why he doesn't find this helpful. Because his response ("This won't work for me because it doesn't work this way on a Mac") isn't enough of a hint.
She's dismissed him as being too much of a pain to deal with, and has gone to morning tea to de-stress from the whole situation.
I try to explain to her the reason the instructions she's given him can't possibly work on his computer: she knows he's using a Mac, yet she keeps giving him instructions for installing the software under Windows with the advice that "but this is how it works under Windows!" and is struggling to grasp why he doesn't find this helpful. Because his response ("This won't work for me because it doesn't work this way on a Mac") isn't enough of a hint.
She's dismissed him as being too much of a pain to deal with, and has gone to morning tea to de-stress from the whole situation.
Cow-orker: medical histories
The Spawn has a dental appointment after a checkup revealed it needed a vast amount of fillings. Despite The Spawn's sugar-rich diet, the Cow-orker seems surprised and has been on the phone to the dentist for the last fifteen minutes.
So far the hapless dentist has been advised that The Spawn is an "exceptionally perceptive" child, and that the dentist shouldn't make the mistake of treating the wunderkind like any normal five-year old. Apparently comforting lies are okay, however, as the Cow-orker has been telling The Spawn that having half-a-dozen fillings won't hurt and she won't feel a thing. The trouble is, she's just discovered from talking to the dentist that it will, in fact, hurt (anaesthetic needles still being needles, after all) and is trying to get the dentist to give her a way out of the situation.
Exactly how she expects this to work is unclear.
In a flashback to the memorable day when the Cow-orker told me her mother once had a tooth growing out her nose, the dentist has also been treated to an extended discussion of the Cow-orker's teeth, her family's teeth, and those of The Spouse and his whole family.
(It seems his family suffers from a hillbilly-like congenital defect that leads to broken, missing and discoloured teeth. Alternatively it could just be that they are hillbillies, and simply drink and smoke to excess and rot their teeth in their heads. Or maybe it's something to do with the aliens that have been hanging around their backyard.)
Eventually the phone call reaches its point. I think. It seems that the Cow-orker is less concerned with The Spawn's dental welfare than with establishing a plan of attack for when The Spawn realises Mummy & Daddy lied about the dentist not hurting. The plan she's aiming for is to have the dentist accept all the blame for the lies.
So far the hapless dentist has been advised that The Spawn is an "exceptionally perceptive" child, and that the dentist shouldn't make the mistake of treating the wunderkind like any normal five-year old. Apparently comforting lies are okay, however, as the Cow-orker has been telling The Spawn that having half-a-dozen fillings won't hurt and she won't feel a thing. The trouble is, she's just discovered from talking to the dentist that it will, in fact, hurt (anaesthetic needles still being needles, after all) and is trying to get the dentist to give her a way out of the situation.
Exactly how she expects this to work is unclear.
In a flashback to the memorable day when the Cow-orker told me her mother once had a tooth growing out her nose, the dentist has also been treated to an extended discussion of the Cow-orker's teeth, her family's teeth, and those of The Spouse and his whole family.
(It seems his family suffers from a hillbilly-like congenital defect that leads to broken, missing and discoloured teeth. Alternatively it could just be that they are hillbillies, and simply drink and smoke to excess and rot their teeth in their heads. Or maybe it's something to do with the aliens that have been hanging around their backyard.)
Eventually the phone call reaches its point. I think. It seems that the Cow-orker is less concerned with The Spawn's dental welfare than with establishing a plan of attack for when The Spawn realises Mummy & Daddy lied about the dentist not hurting. The plan she's aiming for is to have the dentist accept all the blame for the lies.
01 May, 2006
Cow-orker: suffer the children
"Ohmygod ohmygod! The Spawn got in trouble at school for the same thing she did last week! What's wrong with this misbegotten child?"
And she leaps onto the phone to ring around her family and mobilise them so they can all unite in condemnation of The Spawn and impress on her what an awful child she is for acting like a five-year-old rather than the child prodigy she's supposed to be. (Because there's nothing like a consolidated effort at scarring a child for life to encourage good behaviour).
[And in the middle of all this, the Secondary Cow-orker is telling me all about her latest mobile phone plan and why she chose it. My eardrums are under siege from all sides.]
Listening to the Cow-orker bewailing having given birth to the Antichrist, it becomes very clear that she's actually scared of the hyper-intelligent Spawn and is frightened of having to deal with a childish temper tantrum.
You just know The Spawn is going to grow up to be a serial killer.
And she leaps onto the phone to ring around her family and mobilise them so they can all unite in condemnation of The Spawn and impress on her what an awful child she is for acting like a five-year-old rather than the child prodigy she's supposed to be. (Because there's nothing like a consolidated effort at scarring a child for life to encourage good behaviour).
[And in the middle of all this, the Secondary Cow-orker is telling me all about her latest mobile phone plan and why she chose it. My eardrums are under siege from all sides.]
Listening to the Cow-orker bewailing having given birth to the Antichrist, it becomes very clear that she's actually scared of the hyper-intelligent Spawn and is frightened of having to deal with a childish temper tantrum.
You just know The Spawn is going to grow up to be a serial killer.
Marketing strike again
"But this is terrible! All the prices we just mailed out to 7,000 new clients are wrong!"
"Why didn't you check the prices first?"
"Because this is what they were last year when we were buying them through a different supplier!"
The marketing manager then begins to panic and spin an elaborate story about how, in the past, the other supplier gave us a special price on these items at the start of each year, and maybe if the new supplier gives us the same special price that will help her cover up that she messed up majorly this time. Two problems with that, though: we didn't carry this stuff at all before last year, and the old supplier didn't do anything of the sort.
The marketing manager gibbers some more and tries to claim it's not her fault that she didn't check any of the information before she sent it out to people.
I think this may even be the first time I've actually seen someone think their way into a state of self-delusion aloud and in front of others... Even the Cow-orker tends to get by with making huge and painful leaps of Cow-orker logic inside her head.
"Why didn't you check the prices first?"
"Because this is what they were last year when we were buying them through a different supplier!"
The marketing manager then begins to panic and spin an elaborate story about how, in the past, the other supplier gave us a special price on these items at the start of each year, and maybe if the new supplier gives us the same special price that will help her cover up that she messed up majorly this time. Two problems with that, though: we didn't carry this stuff at all before last year, and the old supplier didn't do anything of the sort.
The marketing manager gibbers some more and tries to claim it's not her fault that she didn't check any of the information before she sent it out to people.
I think this may even be the first time I've actually seen someone think their way into a state of self-delusion aloud and in front of others... Even the Cow-orker tends to get by with making huge and painful leaps of Cow-orker logic inside her head.
25 April, 2006
The spirit of cooperation
I've made a partial escape from the Co-worker and am now splitting my time between my old department and working in a similar role at another department across town.
My bosses from the new department to a mailing list:
My bosses from the new department to a mailing list:
"Bootcamp poses licensing problems for all of us. Has anyone had constructive advice from Microsoft or resellers about how to approach this?"My boss from my original department (the Crazy Man), replying to the mailing list:
"As you're probably aware JZ now works here. [Everyone: "Who?"] From his email & practical loading of 2 betas, he now possesses an iMac which can boot into 3 operating systems. VMWare costs much more than the software J's using, even after buying copies of Windows XP, so why would you bother with VMWare just get a Mac, load parallels & Bootcamp & away you go with whatever OS takes your fancy or more than one if you want. Why would you waste money on buying a PC :)"New department bosses (scratching their heads), to me:
"WTF?"
19 April, 2006
Cow-orker: the enemy of my enemy is also my enemy ... or something
My ex-manager was trying to get an answer (or even a grunt of acknowledgement) from a couple of workmates who are angling for a severance package. After an increasingly exasperating conversation, she gets a response ("Yes we've seen it, no we haven't responded to it") and exits in frustration.
The disgruntled aspiring retirees (both with a long history of shouting at people until they get what they want) begin complaining loudly about having been harassed, humiliated and bullied. The Cow-orker steps in to set the story straight and put them in their place.
Later that day the Cow-orker visits our ex-manager to let her know how things went. "And then I stood up for you and told them that you weren't bullying them, you were being condescending and patronising. Why are you looking at me like that?"
The Cow-orker then runs away to the Crazy Man to complain about our ex-manager's ingratitude. And now she's complaining to me about how our ex-manager is behaving unreasonably by being upset just because she went and threw petrol onto the bonfire of disgruntlement.
The disgruntled aspiring retirees (both with a long history of shouting at people until they get what they want) begin complaining loudly about having been harassed, humiliated and bullied. The Cow-orker steps in to set the story straight and put them in their place.
Later that day the Cow-orker visits our ex-manager to let her know how things went. "And then I stood up for you and told them that you weren't bullying them, you were being condescending and patronising. Why are you looking at me like that?"
The Cow-orker then runs away to the Crazy Man to complain about our ex-manager's ingratitude. And now she's complaining to me about how our ex-manager is behaving unreasonably by being upset just because she went and threw petrol onto the bonfire of disgruntlement.
14 April, 2006
Cow-orker: delayed response
Yesterday
Cow-orker: "I don't understand what you did with this in 2004. Do you remember?"Today
Me: "No, that was two years ago. But I kept the relevant e-mails in the central file."
Cow-orker: "This thing I asked you about yesterday... I don't understand what you did with this in 2004. Did you keep any e-mails?"
11 April, 2006
With friends like, er, me...
Have persuaded a friend to apply for the Token Human's job (that was formerly the Cow-orker's job before she came back and took my job - if the organisational incest continues at this rate we should see our first crop of cubicle hillbillies any week now).
Anyway. I felt vaguely guilty about encouraging him to put in an application, so I sent him the URL for the old site. This didn't deter him.
Maybe he thinks I was exaggerating.
Muah hah hah...
Anyway. I felt vaguely guilty about encouraging him to put in an application, so I sent him the URL for the old site. This didn't deter him.
Maybe he thinks I was exaggerating.
Muah hah hah...
Cow-orker: Actually slightly worrying
My god. The Spawn is home sick, left in the care of The Spouse. But The Spouse was asleep when the Cow-orker left this morning, and is still asleep now. I know this because the five-year-old Spawn keeps calling its mother to let her know what it's doing, and that Daddy is still sleeping. The Spawn has tried to wake The Spouse up, but keeps getting told to go away and let him sleep.
If the Cow-orker seems concerned that her Spawn is effectively at home alone and unsupervised, she's hiding it remarkably well.
Later:
That's a relief (in more ways than one) - she's left early so she can go home to The Spawn.
06 April, 2006
Cow-orker: taking the Manson Defense
"I'm going to have to ring this client and stir them," says the person who gets mortally offended when clients get unhappy with her, "It's in my nature."
I'm pretty sure serial killers use that defense, too.
01 April, 2006
Cow-orker: To Boldly Go...
This is a strange and unique experience in pain. The Cow-orker is away for the next couple of days and I'm using the opportunity to tidy up the work instruction documentation for this section.
I'm now charting the dangerous waters of a 70-page document, around of half of which was originally written by me, and all of which has since been subject to extensive Cow-orker updating and reformatting.
God, this is making my head hurt so much. Not just the pidgin English, but the fact that just inserting a line break between paragraphs can cause half the document to spontaneously reformat itself. Clearly her gift for database design extends to word-processing...
I'm now charting the dangerous waters of a 70-page document, around of half of which was originally written by me, and all of which has since been subject to extensive Cow-orker updating and reformatting.
God, this is making my head hurt so much. Not just the pidgin English, but the fact that just inserting a line break between paragraphs can cause half the document to spontaneously reformat itself. Clearly her gift for database design extends to word-processing...
25 March, 2006
Cow-orker: Let Sleeping Wildebeest Lie
It's strangely quiet. Then a strange snuffling, grunting sound breaks the silence - the Cow-orker has fallen asleep at her desk.
Hah! One mighty snort and she frightens herself awake, looking around frantically to see if anyone noticed!
Hahahahaha...
Presumably she's crashing here from too many sleepless nights at home, waiting for The Spouse to come inside from videotaping the alien flyovers and trying to record her while she's asleep.
I can now back him up on one thing, however - she does snore.
Hah! One mighty snort and she frightens herself awake, looking around frantically to see if anyone noticed!
Hahahahaha...
Presumably she's crashing here from too many sleepless nights at home, waiting for The Spouse to come inside from videotaping the alien flyovers and trying to record her while she's asleep.
I can now back him up on one thing, however - she does snore.
22 March, 2006
Cow-orker: The Truth Is Out There
The Cow-orker was woken again by The Spouse in the small hours of the morning with more video camera antics. This time he was out in the back yard screaming wildly about becoming a millionaire.
Because, you see, he'd just spent the last hour filming UFOs.
And he'd drunk half a carton of beer, which presumably went some way to explaining why the Cow-orker wasn't quite able to share his vision of translating footage of strange lights in the sky near a military airbase into instant wealth.
Yee-hah.
Because, you see, he'd just spent the last hour filming UFOs.
And he'd drunk half a carton of beer, which presumably went some way to explaining why the Cow-orker wasn't quite able to share his vision of translating footage of strange lights in the sky near a military airbase into instant wealth.
Yee-hah.
21 March, 2006
Cow-orker: miscellany
"Oh, I didn't tell you about this, did I?"
"Actually you did."
"Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you all about it all over again."(What she's telling me is the reason behind her decision to switch the brand of recordable CDs she's been using).
No, strangely, I'm not making any progress on this, because some retard keeps interrupting me to talk about everything else that crosses their mind.
"I just sent an email to W***** to set up a meeting. I also asked him blah blah blah..."
Gah! I know you sent him an email, because you cc'ed me. You don't need to read the whole thing aloud to me again!Cow-orker: plotting & scheming?
Joy. I've just had the fallout from another bout of "moral obligation" hysteria fall in my lap.
I think she's also finally gotten wind of the restructure I proposed for her area and is trying to get rid of me now. She found a position going at another department 100 miles inland and up in mountains and thinks I should apply for it:
I think she's also finally gotten wind of the restructure I proposed for her area and is trying to get rid of me now. She found a position going at another department 100 miles inland and up in mountains and thinks I should apply for it:
"Not sure how you'd get there tho since its at ********* :) but mooving wouldn't be as much of an issue."Note the mooving, by the way.
Because we're special...
An anouncement from the office of the second-highest ranking official across our entire organisation:
It gets better. When I pointed it out to the Cow-orker and said how special it made me feel, she replied with:
[Our Dept.] ARCHIEVES COMPLAINCE WITH HEWRRs FOR 2006.
It gets better. When I pointed it out to the Cow-orker and said how special it made me feel, she replied with:
Did you know that if you take and AWA now that [the Dept.] could decide that when it expries they can't afford to renegotiate with you and you revert back to Little Johnnie's so called safety net of 5 minimum conditions for employment?While I'm having some trouble making sense of this, I'm reasonably sure she missed my point entirely.
18 March, 2006
Cow-orker: please vote me off the island
Impending renovations and staffing shortages have seen me moved back to Cow-orker Land, complete with real-live Cow-orker and Perpetual Jabbering Action.
I haven't had to work in close proximity to her since late 2004. God, I'd forgotten how loud she was. I've only been dealing with her when she's been worked up or stressed about something. Rediscovering just how much background noise she generates has been an education, and I think I've already gone deaf in my left ear after only three hours' exposure to the background Cow-orker emanations.
Argh argh argh...
I haven't had to work in close proximity to her since late 2004. God, I'd forgotten how loud she was. I've only been dealing with her when she's been worked up or stressed about something. Rediscovering just how much background noise she generates has been an education, and I think I've already gone deaf in my left ear after only three hours' exposure to the background Cow-orker emanations.
Argh argh argh...
Cow-orker: Mathematics of fear
Recipe for terror = (Cow-orker + wireless headset) = (roaming wall of sound effect + incipient deafness).
09 March, 2006
Cow-orker: Resistance is useless!
My old manager is in damage control mode now, as the Cow-orker descended on one of our support sections and began invoking "moral obligation" and telling them it was essential they begin immediately supporting something which hasn't even been agreed to yet. This is her version of "Shock and Awe".
Her human target apparently responded with something less than blind enthusiasm and total submission to her will. The Cow-orker assumes that he's being deliberately unhelpful in not wanting to embrace a half-arsed solution to a problem that hasn't yet been defined.
"Well I don't see any reason why you can't do this!"
At this point, common sense might suggest to a normal individual that this is because she has no understanding of what the helpdesk actually does. In her case, however, common sense gets shouted down by Cow-orker Sense which dictates that because she once worked in the forerunner to this area for a few months sometime last century (until they couldn't take anymore, the wimps!) she knows exactly what they can or can't do now.
End result: an unhappy, morally indignant and still-fuming Cow-orker, and an aggreived support area wondering what they did to anger the gods this time and whether it's too late to start rolling out the razor wire.
Her human target apparently responded with something less than blind enthusiasm and total submission to her will. The Cow-orker assumes that he's being deliberately unhelpful in not wanting to embrace a half-arsed solution to a problem that hasn't yet been defined.
"Well I don't see any reason why you can't do this!"
At this point, common sense might suggest to a normal individual that this is because she has no understanding of what the helpdesk actually does. In her case, however, common sense gets shouted down by Cow-orker Sense which dictates that because she once worked in the forerunner to this area for a few months sometime last century (until they couldn't take anymore, the wimps!) she knows exactly what they can or can't do now.
End result: an unhappy, morally indignant and still-fuming Cow-orker, and an aggreived support area wondering what they did to anger the gods this time and whether it's too late to start rolling out the razor wire.
08 March, 2006
Marketing the blame
There's just something deeply satisfying about giving bad news to Marketing people...
No, the Cow-orker isn't heading back there - if that was the case they'd probably treat it as good news, as this is a different branch of Marketing (we have multiple Marketing branches - pity us). Later on, maybe, they'd start to wonder why everything seemed to be a crisis.
For the last few days I've been getting to tell Marketing variations of "Sorry, we can't do anything about the fact you sent out 10,000 advertising brochures without checking any of the facts first. The suppliers don't see how it's their problem, either, and aren't willing to sell stuff to us stuff 15% below cost to get you out of trouble."
The situation is wholely and solely Marketing's fault, and all it would have taken to avoid was a simple "Are these costs still current?" query. Instead I've gotten to witness this wonderful series of fabrications, denials and casting of blame at suppliers as the Marketing manager engages in as much butt-covering as humanly possible before things hit the fan.
And just to make it even funnier, it's also emerged that because they didn't check any details with anyone, they're partly (okay, mostly) responsible for causing potentially hundreds of clients to commit inadvertent software piracy over the last year...
No, the Cow-orker isn't heading back there - if that was the case they'd probably treat it as good news, as this is a different branch of Marketing (we have multiple Marketing branches - pity us). Later on, maybe, they'd start to wonder why everything seemed to be a crisis.
For the last few days I've been getting to tell Marketing variations of "Sorry, we can't do anything about the fact you sent out 10,000 advertising brochures without checking any of the facts first. The suppliers don't see how it's their problem, either, and aren't willing to sell stuff to us stuff 15% below cost to get you out of trouble."
The situation is wholely and solely Marketing's fault, and all it would have taken to avoid was a simple "Are these costs still current?" query. Instead I've gotten to witness this wonderful series of fabrications, denials and casting of blame at suppliers as the Marketing manager engages in as much butt-covering as humanly possible before things hit the fan.
And just to make it even funnier, it's also emerged that because they didn't check any details with anyone, they're partly (okay, mostly) responsible for causing potentially hundreds of clients to commit inadvertent software piracy over the last year...
02 March, 2006
Cow-orker: when the lowest common denominator keeps moving.
"You need to clarify this some more, because if it confuses me it's going to confuse the clients. You know how stupid some of them are."
"Fair enough. How are you going at simplifying those multi-page pricelists full of meaingless supplier abbreviations, unnecessary information and confusing jargon that we keep getting queries about?"
"I don't think I need to do that. If our clients aren't smart enough to read what I'm giving them, then they shouldn't be ordering from us."
[Translation: "I don't understand it and I don't want to do it."]
"Fair enough. How are you going at simplifying those multi-page pricelists full of meaingless supplier abbreviations, unnecessary information and confusing jargon that we keep getting queries about?"
"I don't think I need to do that. If our clients aren't smart enough to read what I'm giving them, then they shouldn't be ordering from us."
[Translation: "I don't understand it and I don't want to do it."]
01 March, 2006
Cow-orker: survival tips
A couple of times a day the Cow-orker passes my office on her way to drop some paperwork at Admin. On the way back she's taken to stopping in "for a chat". For "chat" read "interrogation" - her growing paranoia about what I might or might not be working on is eroding her already childlike capacity for dealing with things on a "need to know" basis.
Preliminary results indicate that, if I see her go past, it's actually more productive for me to slip out into the back alleyway and do nothing for ten minutes than it is to remain at my desk, get trapped, and try to continue working while she takes guesses at wthat I'm working on and tells me why it can't possibly work.
Preliminary results indicate that, if I see her go past, it's actually more productive for me to slip out into the back alleyway and do nothing for ten minutes than it is to remain at my desk, get trapped, and try to continue working while she takes guesses at wthat I'm working on and tells me why it can't possibly work.
Cow-orker: Silly Season continues
Cow-orker: "We can't offer support for this for clients who want to use it from home!"
Me: "You've written it into the terms and conditions on our website that we can."
Cow-orker: "Gotta go!"
Me: "You've written it into the terms and conditions on our website that we can."
Cow-orker: "Gotta go!"
27 February, 2006
Marketing, a.k.a. Tourette's Syndrome
We receive a quote from a supplier. The Crazy Man and I are pleased because it matches what we expected to be paying rather than the higher amount our account manager at the supplier kept insisting was the real cost.
Unfortunately the supplier has cc'ed Marketing, who are the ones hanging out for the items in question. Before the Crazy Man or I have time to lock in the price by acknowleding and accepting the written quote, the Marketing manager replies to the supplier, cc'ing us and the account manager who gave us the verbal quote on the high prices to begin with.
Marketing: "Thanks for the cheaper price, but this is all very confusing. We were expecting to pay the dearer price that you've been telling us for the last few weeks we're supposed to pay. Can you please explain why we're not paying the higher cost? Because we've reworked our whole business plan around the higher price, and this means we'll have to change it now."
We're now waiting for the account manager to inform us that the cheaper price from their underling was an error, at which point the Marketing manager will start wailing (again) about having to pay the higher price.
This has helped me work out the difference between strategic marketing (where the Cow-orker was based while working under the Marketing Shrew) and random bone-headed marketing, which is what I'm trying to deal with at the moment.
One involves grand visions that are almost completely divorced from the capacity of anyone to deliver them, while the other is simply blurting out the first stupid thing that enters your mind.
Unfortunately the supplier has cc'ed Marketing, who are the ones hanging out for the items in question. Before the Crazy Man or I have time to lock in the price by acknowleding and accepting the written quote, the Marketing manager replies to the supplier, cc'ing us and the account manager who gave us the verbal quote on the high prices to begin with.
Marketing: "Thanks for the cheaper price, but this is all very confusing. We were expecting to pay the dearer price that you've been telling us for the last few weeks we're supposed to pay. Can you please explain why we're not paying the higher cost? Because we've reworked our whole business plan around the higher price, and this means we'll have to change it now."
We're now waiting for the account manager to inform us that the cheaper price from their underling was an error, at which point the Marketing manager will start wailing (again) about having to pay the higher price.
This has helped me work out the difference between strategic marketing (where the Cow-orker was based while working under the Marketing Shrew) and random bone-headed marketing, which is what I'm trying to deal with at the moment.
One involves grand visions that are almost completely divorced from the capacity of anyone to deliver them, while the other is simply blurting out the first stupid thing that enters your mind.
Cow-orker: Reload, shoot other foot
"Why isn't it ready yet? I leaked information about it, and it's still not ready to go, and now they want to know when it will be ready!"
"Remember that thing you kicked up a big fuss about last week and insisted everyone needed to discuss before this could go live?"
"Yes..."
"Well, they're discussing it."
"But - noooooooo!!!"
Ah, I see - they weren't actually supposed to listen to her.
"Remember that thing you kicked up a big fuss about last week and insisted everyone needed to discuss before this could go live?"
"Yes..."
"Well, they're discussing it."
"But - noooooooo!!!"
Ah, I see - they weren't actually supposed to listen to her.
25 February, 2006
Cow-orker: Hobbies
The Cow-orker has developed a new hobby.
First she finds something that she's not responsible for. Then she finds the person most affected by that something without actually being responsible for managing it, either. Then she encourages them to tell her about problems they're having with it, without actually telling them that she's not the person who'll be dealing with it anyway.
At this point, having successfully identified a random problem, she throws the panic switch. Things then go one of two ways.
OPTION 1
She sits on the issue for two to three days to build up a good panic-driven head of steam while the information she's gleaned from her unsuspecting source gradually becomes obsolete. Then she rings her source back and panics them more by telling them how much more critical their situation has become because of the two or three days that have elapsed. It doesn't matter if she tells them exactly what they told her in the first place; the Cow-orker is a master at inflating something into a full-blown crisis and has been known to send people running in circles like headless chickens just through the sheer weight of conviction she can bring to her claims that they're doomed. Plus, of course, they're under the impression that she's actually been looking into their concerns since she last spoke to them.
Then she rings me and tells me she's just spoken to whoever, and they're really stressing out about whatever the issue is, because they're in an awful situation, they're doomed, and they don't know what to do. At this point it's customary for me to act surprised and explain to her that I've actually been speaking to these people before and since she first pumped them for information, that they're aware the situation is either under control or on its way to being resolved, and that her victims should know there's nothing new to worry about.
Her customary response? "Well they're in a blind panic at the moment for some reason, so someone really needs to speak to them to sort things out. Would you like me to do it?"
Are bears Catholic?
OPTION 2
Rather than stew on the issue, she begins contacting everyone she can think of (senior management, middle management, operational supervisors) and rants desperately about the great crisis of our times and how we're morally obliged to act now now now and implement some half-arsed solution she's made up on the spot and which has the twin benefits of being completely unworkable and not having been run past the people who would actually need to implement it.
Not that it matters what they might have to say, however. The Cow-orker has decided that there's a moral obligation at stake, and that the only solution is to make it someone else's problem immediately whether or not they're equipped to handle it in the first place. Following this, she'll ring me and rave down the phone, approaching borderline hysteria when I won't agree to begin trying to implement her plan, and ramping up the volume in the belief it will make her case more persuasive.
"But they have to do it! We have a moral obligation!" (Which I'm assuming is either her new buzzword, or means that, having convinced someone else that the sky is about to fall, she's then promised she'll take care of things for them without checking first to see whether she actually can).
This is followed by my token effort to convince her that implementing a poorly though-out knee-jerk solution without consulting any of the people expected to deliver it, which has no resources to support it, and which we can be reasonably confident will fail, is likely to upset clients far more than simply explaining to them that we're working on a solution to what's actually a non-critical problem of her own invention.
This option usually ends in dire warnings of imminent catastrophe, the necessity of calling back an equally frantic client or workmate immediately (because they've somehow gotten it into their head that the end is nigh and "are in a blind panic"), and further exhortations to do something immediately even if it doesn't even give the illusion of being remotely useful.
First she finds something that she's not responsible for. Then she finds the person most affected by that something without actually being responsible for managing it, either. Then she encourages them to tell her about problems they're having with it, without actually telling them that she's not the person who'll be dealing with it anyway.
At this point, having successfully identified a random problem, she throws the panic switch. Things then go one of two ways.
OPTION 1
She sits on the issue for two to three days to build up a good panic-driven head of steam while the information she's gleaned from her unsuspecting source gradually becomes obsolete. Then she rings her source back and panics them more by telling them how much more critical their situation has become because of the two or three days that have elapsed. It doesn't matter if she tells them exactly what they told her in the first place; the Cow-orker is a master at inflating something into a full-blown crisis and has been known to send people running in circles like headless chickens just through the sheer weight of conviction she can bring to her claims that they're doomed. Plus, of course, they're under the impression that she's actually been looking into their concerns since she last spoke to them.
Then she rings me and tells me she's just spoken to whoever, and they're really stressing out about whatever the issue is, because they're in an awful situation, they're doomed, and they don't know what to do. At this point it's customary for me to act surprised and explain to her that I've actually been speaking to these people before and since she first pumped them for information, that they're aware the situation is either under control or on its way to being resolved, and that her victims should know there's nothing new to worry about.
Her customary response? "Well they're in a blind panic at the moment for some reason, so someone really needs to speak to them to sort things out. Would you like me to do it?"
Are bears Catholic?
OPTION 2
Rather than stew on the issue, she begins contacting everyone she can think of (senior management, middle management, operational supervisors) and rants desperately about the great crisis of our times and how we're morally obliged to act now now now and implement some half-arsed solution she's made up on the spot and which has the twin benefits of being completely unworkable and not having been run past the people who would actually need to implement it.
Not that it matters what they might have to say, however. The Cow-orker has decided that there's a moral obligation at stake, and that the only solution is to make it someone else's problem immediately whether or not they're equipped to handle it in the first place. Following this, she'll ring me and rave down the phone, approaching borderline hysteria when I won't agree to begin trying to implement her plan, and ramping up the volume in the belief it will make her case more persuasive.
"But they have to do it! We have a moral obligation!" (Which I'm assuming is either her new buzzword, or means that, having convinced someone else that the sky is about to fall, she's then promised she'll take care of things for them without checking first to see whether she actually can).
This is followed by my token effort to convince her that implementing a poorly though-out knee-jerk solution without consulting any of the people expected to deliver it, which has no resources to support it, and which we can be reasonably confident will fail, is likely to upset clients far more than simply explaining to them that we're working on a solution to what's actually a non-critical problem of her own invention.
This option usually ends in dire warnings of imminent catastrophe, the necessity of calling back an equally frantic client or workmate immediately (because they've somehow gotten it into their head that the end is nigh and "are in a blind panic"), and further exhortations to do something immediately even if it doesn't even give the illusion of being remotely useful.
15 February, 2006
Cow-orker: Welcome to the Twilight Zone
The Cow-orker just paid a visit, so I've been treated to a glimpse inside Chez Cow-orker.
The Spouse got somewhat hammered last night. The Cow-orker woke up at 1.30 this morning to find him swaying at the end of the bed, clutching a video camera. When asked what the hell he was doing, his response was that now he was finally going to prove she snored.
The Cow-orker tells him he's an idiot and, morevoer, that he's creeping her out with his video camera antics and is never to do anything like that again. The Spouse objects to being described as creepy, and decides to teach her a lesson by sleeping on the couch. The old, backbreaker couch, that is, with no suspension or upholstery. Yeah, that'll teach her. He grabs a blanket and a pillow and retires to the moral highground where videotaping unsuspecting sleeping women isn't considered the province of serial killers and stalkers.
An hour later the Cow-orker is woken by a crash. The Spouse, having successfully half-crippled himself on the couch, has tried to return to bed but tripped over the blanket in mid-lurch and collapsed in an incoherent heap on the floor. Eventually he makes it to bed.
An hour after that, the Cow-orker is woken again. This time, he's out on the front porch, urinating off into the darkness. His explanation this time is that it was closer than the toilet, which is at the other end of the house. She returns inside, grateful that it's still only 3.30am and that they have a high fence along the front of their yard. It's not until much later that she realises how lucky she was that he was able to negotiate the front door in the first place.
Just another night in the suburbs, really...
The Spouse got somewhat hammered last night. The Cow-orker woke up at 1.30 this morning to find him swaying at the end of the bed, clutching a video camera. When asked what the hell he was doing, his response was that now he was finally going to prove she snored.
The Cow-orker tells him he's an idiot and, morevoer, that he's creeping her out with his video camera antics and is never to do anything like that again. The Spouse objects to being described as creepy, and decides to teach her a lesson by sleeping on the couch. The old, backbreaker couch, that is, with no suspension or upholstery. Yeah, that'll teach her. He grabs a blanket and a pillow and retires to the moral highground where videotaping unsuspecting sleeping women isn't considered the province of serial killers and stalkers.
An hour later the Cow-orker is woken by a crash. The Spouse, having successfully half-crippled himself on the couch, has tried to return to bed but tripped over the blanket in mid-lurch and collapsed in an incoherent heap on the floor. Eventually he makes it to bed.
An hour after that, the Cow-orker is woken again. This time, he's out on the front porch, urinating off into the darkness. His explanation this time is that it was closer than the toilet, which is at the other end of the house. She returns inside, grateful that it's still only 3.30am and that they have a high fence along the front of their yard. It's not until much later that she realises how lucky she was that he was able to negotiate the front door in the first place.
Just another night in the suburbs, really...
12 February, 2006
Rumour and Expectation
Day One:
My contract is renewed for another two months.
Day Two:
The Token Human who replaced the Cow-orker when she left for Marketing hands in his notice. Cat + Pigeons has nothing on what this results in,,,
Day Three:
Word spreads. The feeding frenzy begins.
My contract is renewed for another two months.
Day Two:
The Token Human who replaced the Cow-orker when she left for Marketing hands in his notice. Cat + Pigeons has nothing on what this results in,,,
Day Three:
Word spreads. The feeding frenzy begins.
- the Crazy Man approaches me to see if I want the job. He doesn't seem too surprised when I say "no", and we briefly discuss whether now is the time to look at restructuring that unit;
- the Cow-orker approaches to see if I want to take the job. She's still struggling with the idea that I might not want to come back. I tell her "no", and she asks whether the Crazy Man has sounded me out about taking the job;
- my former manager phones me to warn that I'm likely to be set upon by the Secondary Cow-orker to see if I've been head-hunted (or press-ganged) yet. The Secondary Cow-orker interrogated the token human at length the previous evening to make him spill the beans about what was going to happen with his job, and appears to be trying to piece together the order in which he told people. Apparently this has something to do with her theory of people nominating their successor;
- a former workmate rings up to see if I've been approached to take the job. He only thinks it's funny now because the Primary and Secondary Cow-orkers haven't yet seen fit to confide in him;
- the Secondary Cow-orker finally strikes. Have I been approached yet? What do I intend to do? What do I think "they" are planning?
(She could simply ask management what they plan to do, but that might pose unacceptable limits on the wildness of her speculations. Plus she's probably convinced they'd lie to her, anyway, so she may as well begin asking everyone.else who doesn't know what's happening so they can fuel her imagination); - another former workmate warns me that the Secondary Cow-orker is now quietly going nuts trying to predict what will happen, and inventing scenarios in which she'll be able to win the job that's rightfully hers after being "cheated" of it twice already;
- my former section head approaches my former manager to see if I plan to move back into my old area, and whether anyone's approached me about doing so yet. He seems surprised to learn that I'm not leaping with joy at the prospect of returning to work with the Cow-orker.
(Incidentally, this confirms my suspicions that people didn't believe me last year when I said that I wasn't just leaving because of the money); - the Secondary Cow-orker drops by for another visit to tell me her theories on why the token human is leaving. To the best of my knowledge they all miss the mark by a wide margin. Then she tells me how she'd have been a much better choice for the job in the first place, because after one rough year in the role, he still didn't have the breadth of knowledge that I (or even the Cow-orker) had built up over several years;
- more warnings: the Seconday Cow-orker's mood swings have gotten dramatically worse when some sadist pointed out that I have a family to support and might not have a choice about whether I take the job or not;
- the Cow-orker comes back to see whether I've reconsidered my previous response, and to fish for hints as to whether I've heard anything about what's going to happen. She's busy working herself into a state of terror over the thought of being to look after things alone, even though there's actually zero possibility of that;
- my manager calls again to tell me that the Secondary Cow-orker is behaving like a lunatic, but he hasn't been able to find out what she's been told that set her off.
31 January, 2006
Never work with children or Cow-orkers
Argh. They're trying to set up a secure download site for distributing software here, and one of the things I've been asked to do is test it out before it goes live. Apparently the Cow-orker is too busy to test the links to see if anything downloads, so it falls to me.
I click a link. A file downloads. There is rejoicing in the streets that this complex and delicate task has been completed.
Then a nagging voice of doubt makes me decide to check the files that have actually downloaded. One of the packages consistes of only two files, neither of which appear to be executable. I email the Cow-orker to ask if this is correct, seeing as she supposedly has the master copies of the software from which the downloadable files were compiled, and should be able to tell me.
An email comes back. "I don't know. In fact I don't even know if I used the right files or the right software in the first place, and I'm not going to check for you now. Maybe you should download a few gigabytes of data from the software vendor themselves and compare it directly. But you'll need to contact them for a username and password. And I'd like us to go live with this tomorrow. Do you think that's possible?"
I'm starting to suspect there's an ulterior motive in asking me to do this: it's punishment for trying to leave. Although my contract expires again in a week, so if they don't get a move on at sorting that out their plans to make me suffer may well fall through...
I click a link. A file downloads. There is rejoicing in the streets that this complex and delicate task has been completed.
Then a nagging voice of doubt makes me decide to check the files that have actually downloaded. One of the packages consistes of only two files, neither of which appear to be executable. I email the Cow-orker to ask if this is correct, seeing as she supposedly has the master copies of the software from which the downloadable files were compiled, and should be able to tell me.
An email comes back. "I don't know. In fact I don't even know if I used the right files or the right software in the first place, and I'm not going to check for you now. Maybe you should download a few gigabytes of data from the software vendor themselves and compare it directly. But you'll need to contact them for a username and password. And I'd like us to go live with this tomorrow. Do you think that's possible?"
I'm starting to suspect there's an ulterior motive in asking me to do this: it's punishment for trying to leave. Although my contract expires again in a week, so if they don't get a move on at sorting that out their plans to make me suffer may well fall through...
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