Events seem to have conspired to keep my minion from jumping ship to Brother of Death Spiral (while still giving her a good chunk of BoDS workload) and, to mark the occasion, PMv1 seems to have decided that he'll drive her off anyway by not reading anything she sends him, not reading any project documentation that he hasn't written (because if it's not part of his project plan, then by definition its worthless - and if it repeats what he's already said, it's redundant. I'm surprised he's not running around burning down libraries, really), and then blaming her for not giving clear answers to questions he's incapable of asking because he won't read anything and refuses to come down to The Shed to look at any of the work that's being done (when challenged to do so, his response was "It's not my job to come down to The Shed.").
"Always two there are, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice." Funny, though - I didn't think Yoda was talking about Project Managers.
Clearly Science needs to identify the genes that predispose people to project management and delete them from the gene pool.
I think this came as a timely reminder as to why this is my last day here.
30 September, 2005
28 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: Mr "Eight Productive Hours"
Another scheduled meeting with PMv1, and this time I enter the Project Office just as he's leaving.
"Oh," he says, "I forgot about your meeting. I was just on my way to another one."
The bugger. He wanted these regular meetings, and they're in his calendar, but he's trying to slip off to another meeting after already keeping me waiting yesterday?
We go inside the project office and whip through my report ("It's all going well"). Personally I wouldn't trust any report from someone on their second-last day who's leaving because they couldn't stand dealing with the project office anymore, but he seems happy enough.
I leave and drop into the refectory on the way to grab a late breakfast to eat at my desk. On my way out, I nearly collide with PMv1 hurrying in to collect his breakfast (his "other meeting", presumably), meaning he was planning to do the same thing today that he did yesterday - ignore his calendar, don't use the Great Whiteboard to note where he's going, and keep people waiting for meetings that he's requested.
Back in The Shed, I mention this to the rest of the Death Spiral team while scrubbing my details off our mini whiteboard (Project Office staff never come down to the sheds if they can help it, but none of use are willing to gamble that they wouldn't do so for the sole purpose of a whiteboard spot-check). The remaining original temp confirms that he used to do exactly the same thing to her all the time when she was team leader on Spawn of Death Spiral, scheduling regular status-update meetings and then turning up late with his breakfast in hand.
The Project Office: inspiring the maximum amount of cynicism with the minimum amount of effort.
"Oh," he says, "I forgot about your meeting. I was just on my way to another one."
The bugger. He wanted these regular meetings, and they're in his calendar, but he's trying to slip off to another meeting after already keeping me waiting yesterday?
We go inside the project office and whip through my report ("It's all going well"). Personally I wouldn't trust any report from someone on their second-last day who's leaving because they couldn't stand dealing with the project office anymore, but he seems happy enough.
I leave and drop into the refectory on the way to grab a late breakfast to eat at my desk. On my way out, I nearly collide with PMv1 hurrying in to collect his breakfast (his "other meeting", presumably), meaning he was planning to do the same thing today that he did yesterday - ignore his calendar, don't use the Great Whiteboard to note where he's going, and keep people waiting for meetings that he's requested.
Back in The Shed, I mention this to the rest of the Death Spiral team while scrubbing my details off our mini whiteboard (Project Office staff never come down to the sheds if they can help it, but none of use are willing to gamble that they wouldn't do so for the sole purpose of a whiteboard spot-check). The remaining original temp confirms that he used to do exactly the same thing to her all the time when she was team leader on Spawn of Death Spiral, scheduling regular status-update meetings and then turning up late with his breakfast in hand.
The Project Office: inspiring the maximum amount of cynicism with the minimum amount of effort.
26 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: the handover progress status update report
I have a scheduled meeting with PMv1 to deliver the "one-on-one handover progress status update report". And yes, it does indeed take longer to say it than it does to deliver it.
As part of keeping him updated on progress of the handover to my minion (whose defection to Brother of Death Spiral is still on the cards, so this handover process has the potential to be the procedure that just keeps on, uh, proceding). He's missing from the project office when I arrive, so I consult the Great Whiteboard for advice.
Nothing.
I'm not entirely surprised that the Rule of Whiteboard doesn't apply to him, but the temptation to write "AWOL" next to his name is nearly overwhelming, even before our business analyst looks over his cubicle wall and begins urging "Do it! Do it! What have you got to lose?"
When PMv1 arrives (clutching a slightly greasy-looking bag from the refectory), the actual meeting itself lasts less time than it took me to walk to his office, and only a fraction of the time I've spent hanging around waiting for him to turn up. All part of the "eight productive hours a day" that PMv1 urged us all to work towards under his benevolent dictatorship.
As part of keeping him updated on progress of the handover to my minion (whose defection to Brother of Death Spiral is still on the cards, so this handover process has the potential to be the procedure that just keeps on, uh, proceding). He's missing from the project office when I arrive, so I consult the Great Whiteboard for advice.
Nothing.
I'm not entirely surprised that the Rule of Whiteboard doesn't apply to him, but the temptation to write "AWOL" next to his name is nearly overwhelming, even before our business analyst looks over his cubicle wall and begins urging "Do it! Do it! What have you got to lose?"
When PMv1 arrives (clutching a slightly greasy-looking bag from the refectory), the actual meeting itself lasts less time than it took me to walk to his office, and only a fraction of the time I've spent hanging around waiting for him to turn up. All part of the "eight productive hours a day" that PMv1 urged us all to work towards under his benevolent dictatorship.
Project Death Spiral: counting the silverware
Phone rings.
PMv1: "Did Sluggo leave his Project Office laptop down there?"
[check around The Shed]
Me: "No."
PMv1: "How about an empty laptop case?"
[quick check with other Shed occupants]
Me: "No. We didn't know until now he even had a laptop."
PMv1: "Hrrmmpph!"
Scapegoat Factor rising...
PMv1: "Did Sluggo leave his Project Office laptop down there?"
[check around The Shed]
Me: "No."
PMv1: "How about an empty laptop case?"
[quick check with other Shed occupants]
Me: "No. We didn't know until now he even had a laptop."
PMv1: "Hrrmmpph!"
Scapegoat Factor rising...
22 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: Everything you know is wrong. Again.
Late afternoon meeting with PMv1 yesterday, attended by the only two members of the Death Spiral team available (one's sick, one's temporarily fled the country, and the third refused to come in to work today for fear it would cost him his sanity) wherein we were told that everything we've been told about the project scope over the last three months and worked our tasks around is wrong, because Sluggo never had formal, documented approval for any of the changes he was trying to make to the project plan originally laid down by PMv1.
News to us, certainly, and while it wasn't entirely unexpected that didn't make it anymore welcome. I suspect it was also news to PMv1, who'd said nothing about this at any point beforehand and had probably been looking furiously for a way to reinstate his vision for Death Spiral (i.e. the flawed, arse-about vision which deliberately builds in at least one level of unnecessary and inaccurate work requiring an expensive and inaccurate "quick-fix" solution). Fortunately for him, Sluggo appears to have been constitutionally incapable of producing any actual work, or documenting anything remotely useful or relevant, so it's been very easy to dismiss anyything Sluggo said that PMv1 doesn't agree with.
Of course if he'd done this at any point over the last few months when he still had overall control of Death Spiral and knew what Sluggo was up to, this would have saved everyone a lot of grief and misunderstanding, but then he wouldn't have been able to transform Sluggo into the Universal Scapegoat.
Which now leaves the Death Spiral staff with the task of looking back over three months of work and deciding what fits in with PMv1's reborn vision, what has to be reworked entirely, and what's turned out to be just so much wasted effort.
With, as we discovered at the meeting, PMv1 reviewing the results all the while and telling us we still don't understand and are getting it all wrong. Because it's not about what we want, or what the stakeholders want, or even doing things the right way when reality intrudes - it's all about following his plan.
News to us, certainly, and while it wasn't entirely unexpected that didn't make it anymore welcome. I suspect it was also news to PMv1, who'd said nothing about this at any point beforehand and had probably been looking furiously for a way to reinstate his vision for Death Spiral (i.e. the flawed, arse-about vision which deliberately builds in at least one level of unnecessary and inaccurate work requiring an expensive and inaccurate "quick-fix" solution). Fortunately for him, Sluggo appears to have been constitutionally incapable of producing any actual work, or documenting anything remotely useful or relevant, so it's been very easy to dismiss anyything Sluggo said that PMv1 doesn't agree with.
Of course if he'd done this at any point over the last few months when he still had overall control of Death Spiral and knew what Sluggo was up to, this would have saved everyone a lot of grief and misunderstanding, but then he wouldn't have been able to transform Sluggo into the Universal Scapegoat.
Which now leaves the Death Spiral staff with the task of looking back over three months of work and deciding what fits in with PMv1's reborn vision, what has to be reworked entirely, and what's turned out to be just so much wasted effort.
With, as we discovered at the meeting, PMv1 reviewing the results all the while and telling us we still don't understand and are getting it all wrong. Because it's not about what we want, or what the stakeholders want, or even doing things the right way when reality intrudes - it's all about following his plan.
21 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: "software that does everything"
A couple of hours down the line, and the "software that does everything" scenario is certainly making unemployment look a lot more attractive.
As the score stands now, our business analyst can't wait to flee (as a matter of principle he doesn't want to terminate his contract, but I think he's reaching a point where he'd gnaw off his own arm rather than sign any extension to it); the last of the original temps is pretty much burned-out from all the changes in direction, backflips and conflicting stories and is waiting for her contract to lapse at the end of the month; my minion might be offered an opportunity to jump ship to Brother of Death Spiral (where they'll at least give her additional training and an opportunity to learn a few more skils in the role they have in mind for her); and, of course, I'm leaving.
In a fortnight's time, the only person left will be the newest temp who's desperate for money but has the least background or familiarity with the ins and outs of Death Spiral.
As the score stands now, our business analyst can't wait to flee (as a matter of principle he doesn't want to terminate his contract, but I think he's reaching a point where he'd gnaw off his own arm rather than sign any extension to it); the last of the original temps is pretty much burned-out from all the changes in direction, backflips and conflicting stories and is waiting for her contract to lapse at the end of the month; my minion might be offered an opportunity to jump ship to Brother of Death Spiral (where they'll at least give her additional training and an opportunity to learn a few more skils in the role they have in mind for her); and, of course, I'm leaving.
In a fortnight's time, the only person left will be the newest temp who's desperate for money but has the least background or familiarity with the ins and outs of Death Spiral.
Project Death Spiral: full speed astern
Death Spiral has been desperately in need of some key software tool since before its inception, and it just hasn't happened. We came close a month ago when our business analyst compiled the specs and documentation needed to put out a Request For Quote, and things seemed like they might happen. Then PMv1 vetoed further progress until he came back from holiday, because he wanted big stakeholder meetings and workshops controlled by the project office rather than individual consultation with stakeholders by our business analyst.
Now PMv1's back, and we had the first big, happy gathering yesterday, where a handful of bewildered stakeholders turned up wondering why there were going through this again. PMv1 didn't attend, but the project manager from Brother of Death Spiral was there and too the opportunity to drop the following bombshell.
"I think we should ignore the fact that Death Spiral has needed this software for ages, and look for a solution that will do everything.
"Oh, and by the way - I've bypassed all you stakeholders and outlined my grand vision to your boss, and he thinks it's a good idea. So whaddya say, team?"
There's the sound of a collective jaw dropping. I look at our business analyst, and he's looking carefully neutral and non-committal. Smart move - I know he's not in favour of the idea, but he has to go back to the Project Office alone after this meeting, where he'll be punished for his treachery.
The BoDS project manager continues.
"So I'm proposing we hijack this RFQ, get Death Spiral's business analyst to work it up into a much bigger, all-encompassing document with expanded specifications, and then we can go out to market with a full tender."
The jaws remain dropped. I'm still watching our business analyst, and the neutral expression cracks long enough for me to see a look of frozen horror on his face as he realises the Project Office plans to extend his contract.
My operational manager speaks up to agree that something that does everything is a fine idea, but he really needs something that does what the Death Spiral software is intended to do now.
"Absolutely," says the BoDS PM, "but the potential is here, now, to make this RFQ into something bigger that will solve all our problems for years to come. That's something worth aiming for, even if it means things take a little longer."
("Taking a little longer" in this case means easily another six months or more. Our business analyst flinches again).
Everyone else in the room is sitting in a stunned silence. Not only isn't this what they'd been expecting to hear, it's only barely in the same hemisphere as the meeting's original topic.
"Do we actually know what this 'everything' that we want to try to do actually is?" asks one stakeholder cautiously.
"Everything that isn't already in Death Spiral's requirements," comes the reply. "What they want is too specific."
"But that's because this was being bought for Death Spiral to meet Death Spiral's needs."
"Well, I've been looking at it, and even though it's got nothing to do with Brother of Death Spiral, I think what I want needs to take priority over what the people involved with Death Spiral may have thought they wanted."
"Whereabouts is PMv1?" asks another. "He's managing Death Spiral - what does he think about this?"
Still dazed with fear, our business analyst answers without thinking. "He wasn't keen to come to - I mean, he had another meeting to go to."
"I've spoken to your boss," the BoDS PM reminds everyone, "and he thinks it's a good idea. So I think we should have our business analyst write an expanded document and get the steering committee to approve it so we can get things underway."
"I think it would be a good idea to let us stakeholders work out whether it's even possible in the first place before derailing Death Spiral yet again," ventures another, rousing himself from a state of deep shock.
"Of course it's possible. How hard can it be to find a software solution that will do everything? I think it's actually quite simple, so it must be. Anyway, I've got another meeting to go to, so I'll talk to you all later after the business analyst has had time to draft a new RFQ."
He breezes out. People sit and look at one another, dumbfounded.
Finally our business analyst breaks the silence. "So, ah, shall we consider the meeting over for now?"
Now PMv1's back, and we had the first big, happy gathering yesterday, where a handful of bewildered stakeholders turned up wondering why there were going through this again. PMv1 didn't attend, but the project manager from Brother of Death Spiral was there and too the opportunity to drop the following bombshell.
"I think we should ignore the fact that Death Spiral has needed this software for ages, and look for a solution that will do everything.
"Oh, and by the way - I've bypassed all you stakeholders and outlined my grand vision to your boss, and he thinks it's a good idea. So whaddya say, team?"
There's the sound of a collective jaw dropping. I look at our business analyst, and he's looking carefully neutral and non-committal. Smart move - I know he's not in favour of the idea, but he has to go back to the Project Office alone after this meeting, where he'll be punished for his treachery.
The BoDS project manager continues.
"So I'm proposing we hijack this RFQ, get Death Spiral's business analyst to work it up into a much bigger, all-encompassing document with expanded specifications, and then we can go out to market with a full tender."
The jaws remain dropped. I'm still watching our business analyst, and the neutral expression cracks long enough for me to see a look of frozen horror on his face as he realises the Project Office plans to extend his contract.
My operational manager speaks up to agree that something that does everything is a fine idea, but he really needs something that does what the Death Spiral software is intended to do now.
"Absolutely," says the BoDS PM, "but the potential is here, now, to make this RFQ into something bigger that will solve all our problems for years to come. That's something worth aiming for, even if it means things take a little longer."
("Taking a little longer" in this case means easily another six months or more. Our business analyst flinches again).
Everyone else in the room is sitting in a stunned silence. Not only isn't this what they'd been expecting to hear, it's only barely in the same hemisphere as the meeting's original topic.
"Do we actually know what this 'everything' that we want to try to do actually is?" asks one stakeholder cautiously.
"Everything that isn't already in Death Spiral's requirements," comes the reply. "What they want is too specific."
"But that's because this was being bought for Death Spiral to meet Death Spiral's needs."
"Well, I've been looking at it, and even though it's got nothing to do with Brother of Death Spiral, I think what I want needs to take priority over what the people involved with Death Spiral may have thought they wanted."
"Whereabouts is PMv1?" asks another. "He's managing Death Spiral - what does he think about this?"
Still dazed with fear, our business analyst answers without thinking. "He wasn't keen to come to - I mean, he had another meeting to go to."
"I've spoken to your boss," the BoDS PM reminds everyone, "and he thinks it's a good idea. So I think we should have our business analyst write an expanded document and get the steering committee to approve it so we can get things underway."
"I think it would be a good idea to let us stakeholders work out whether it's even possible in the first place before derailing Death Spiral yet again," ventures another, rousing himself from a state of deep shock.
"Of course it's possible. How hard can it be to find a software solution that will do everything? I think it's actually quite simple, so it must be. Anyway, I've got another meeting to go to, so I'll talk to you all later after the business analyst has had time to draft a new RFQ."
He breezes out. People sit and look at one another, dumbfounded.
Finally our business analyst breaks the silence. "So, ah, shall we consider the meeting over for now?"
20 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: carrots away, sticks out
Okay, the real PMv1 has returned. Presumably yesterday's jovial impostor has been dropped into the river to feed the sharks.
First there was the e-mail informing us that if we all do things his way and respect his authoritah then he's sure we can all get along just fine.
"I don't know what you're previous project managers [let's ignore that he was one of them, shall we?] and team leaders have been letting you get away with, but I'll have you know I run a very tight ship and want eight productive hours a day out of all of you!"
Henceforth we're to organise a whiteboard in The Shed on which we're to document all our movements and locations at all times of the day, much to the amusement of our Business Analyst, who is now no longer alone in enduring the whiteboard tyranny. And we'll be checked up on, presumably as part of PMv1's daily eight hours of productive work.
(In fact all we need to do is get some heavy duty cleaner to take off Sluggo's scribbles, where he used permanent marker to write up things he later tried to deny having said in the first place.
Team Death Spiral, pointing at the whiteboard: "It's behind you!"
Sluggo: "Oh, no it's not!"
Team Death Spiral: "Oh, yes it is!"
Sluggo, turning around and looking everywhere but at the whiteboard: "Oh, no it's not!"
Alarums and hi-jinx ensue.)
Now comes a second e-mail, reminding us that we must file all electronic documents relating to Death Spiral in the appropriate directories. Not unreasonable in itself, but he goes on to add (again) that he doesn't know what our previous project managers and team leaders told us, or didn't tell us (and let's just recap - this is Death Spiral's original project manager talking) but there's a very specific way that things must be done, and if we all do exactly what he says then there's no reason we can't all get along just fine.
Just like one big, happy family.
Kind of like the Mansons.
First there was the e-mail informing us that if we all do things his way and respect his authoritah then he's sure we can all get along just fine.
"I don't know what you're previous project managers [let's ignore that he was one of them, shall we?] and team leaders have been letting you get away with, but I'll have you know I run a very tight ship and want eight productive hours a day out of all of you!"
Henceforth we're to organise a whiteboard in The Shed on which we're to document all our movements and locations at all times of the day, much to the amusement of our Business Analyst, who is now no longer alone in enduring the whiteboard tyranny. And we'll be checked up on, presumably as part of PMv1's daily eight hours of productive work.
(In fact all we need to do is get some heavy duty cleaner to take off Sluggo's scribbles, where he used permanent marker to write up things he later tried to deny having said in the first place.
Team Death Spiral, pointing at the whiteboard: "It's behind you!"
Sluggo: "Oh, no it's not!"
Team Death Spiral: "Oh, yes it is!"
Sluggo, turning around and looking everywhere but at the whiteboard: "Oh, no it's not!"
Alarums and hi-jinx ensue.)
Now comes a second e-mail, reminding us that we must file all electronic documents relating to Death Spiral in the appropriate directories. Not unreasonable in itself, but he goes on to add (again) that he doesn't know what our previous project managers and team leaders told us, or didn't tell us (and let's just recap - this is Death Spiral's original project manager talking) but there's a very specific way that things must be done, and if we all do exactly what he says then there's no reason we can't all get along just fine.
Just like one big, happy family.
Kind of like the Mansons.
19 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: Autopsy
PMv1 is back from holiday today and has begun running through what Sluggo has left behind for him. The meetings begin, and bizarrely he stays in a great mood through all of them as he begins giving his version of the Death Spiral story. Perhaps he's cheerful because he's now found the ultimate scapegoat in Sluggo, someone no-one across the organisation was happy with.
(Scapegoating is a reprehensible practice, to be sure, but in this case I really only find it objectionable in principle).
From the Project Office history of events:
On the other hand, that could be kind of funny...
(Scapegoating is a reprehensible practice, to be sure, but in this case I really only find it objectionable in principle).
From the Project Office history of events:
- Sluggo was regularly told to do one thing, before running off and trying to do the exact opposite;
- Sluggo (apparently) was trying to set me up as his scapegoat to get around having to produce any project deliverable of his own. Nice to know I wasn't the only one who saw that one coming a mile off;
- we humble Shed-dwellers hadn't seen Sluggo's revised project management plan for the simple reason that he'd been told a month ago that the one he'd produced was rubbish, and to do it again - properly! (There's those famous Project Office people skills again);
- Sluggo had been told explicitly what he was supposed to be doing ... but kept shooting off in other directions that usually led to the things we were doing being derailed in favour of what he felt was a priority at that moment (traditionally, Sluggo would then come back a day later and want to put things back the way they'd been);
- things Sluggo was declaring out of scope were, in fact, still very much in scope, always had been, and always would be;
- Sluggo is the new Root Of All Evil on Project Death Spiral.
On the other hand, that could be kind of funny...
15 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: the customer is always irrelevant
Our long-suffering business analyst (technically he's only been suffering for about six weeks, but it feels longer for him. And he's only halfway through his contract here) has been given further instructions from PMv1 to alter the Request For Quote he's written up for the software Death Spiral needed before it started.
"I'm not happy. You've made too many requirements 'Mandatory'. Make them 'Highly Desirable' instead, so we're not locked into buying something that does what we need it to do."
"These are the needs the stakeholders have identified. I've gone through it with them several times to make sure we're not asking for specifications we don't need."
"Don't care. Get rid of the 'Mandatory' stuff."
So our BA does as he's told - PMv1 is his boss, and it never pays to argue with a sociopath.
And once we've had all the obligatory talk-fests to rehash everything that the stakeholders have already been consulted on, we can then (maybe, depending on how PMv1 interprets the entrails of a sacrificial goat) go out to market for a product that doesn't actually need to do any of the things we need it for in the first place.
Sluggo may be gone, but Death Spiral continues unabated.
"I'm not happy. You've made too many requirements 'Mandatory'. Make them 'Highly Desirable' instead, so we're not locked into buying something that does what we need it to do."
"These are the needs the stakeholders have identified. I've gone through it with them several times to make sure we're not asking for specifications we don't need."
"Don't care. Get rid of the 'Mandatory' stuff."
So our BA does as he's told - PMv1 is his boss, and it never pays to argue with a sociopath.
And once we've had all the obligatory talk-fests to rehash everything that the stakeholders have already been consulted on, we can then (maybe, depending on how PMv1 interprets the entrails of a sacrificial goat) go out to market for a product that doesn't actually need to do any of the things we need it for in the first place.
Sluggo may be gone, but Death Spiral continues unabated.
14 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: Risk Register Update
[Ed: No, I don't know why this is positioning itself so far down the screen. If you have any thoughts, let me know.]
Risk | Description | Variance |
|---|---|---|
| 25% | Shed swept away in floods, drowning all Project staff | +/- 0% |
| 22% | All Project staff leaving | + 6% |
| 15% | Shed catching fire, incinerating all Project staff | +/- 0% |
| 11% | Successful completion of Project Death Spiral | - 9% |
13 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: the verdict
He was pushed. From what I gather the exchange went something like this.
Sluggo: "I've accepted a better, higher-paying job elsewhere and I'll be leaving."
Project Office Manager: "Ingrate! You're terminated immediately! Go! Leave! Reprobate!"
Sluggo (via e-mail): "I'm outta here. You all suck."
Sluggo: "I've accepted a better, higher-paying job elsewhere and I'll be leaving."
Project Office Manager: "Ingrate! You're terminated immediately! Go! Leave! Reprobate!"
Sluggo (via e-mail): "I'm outta here. You all suck."
Project Death Spiral: another one bites the dust
Arrive at work this morning after a day off sick, not really looking forward to my morning meeting with Sluggo, and discover on checking my calendar that he's cancelled the meeting (not unusual in itself - he's been doing that a lot lately, usually when PMv1 as said he wants to come along to see how things are going).
Then I check my e-mail and learn that not only has the meeting been cancelled, but he's quit, too.
Woo-hoo! This is the first time Sluggo has managed to make me feel motivated in a good way (as opposed to the "I've got to get out of this place" reaction he usually inspires).
Unsurprisingly, the e-mail in which he announces that he's leaving immediately (for a vastly higher-paying job with a global firm, naturally) was also an exercise in barely-restrained dummy-spitting at what he sees as his mistreatment here.
But the big question remains: did he fall, or was he pushed after last week's "site inspection" shenanigans?
Then I check my e-mail and learn that not only has the meeting been cancelled, but he's quit, too.
Woo-hoo! This is the first time Sluggo has managed to make me feel motivated in a good way (as opposed to the "I've got to get out of this place" reaction he usually inspires).
Unsurprisingly, the e-mail in which he announces that he's leaving immediately (for a vastly higher-paying job with a global firm, naturally) was also an exercise in barely-restrained dummy-spitting at what he sees as his mistreatment here.
But the big question remains: did he fall, or was he pushed after last week's "site inspection" shenanigans?
09 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: Waiting for Sluggot
The Project Office is still trying to find Sluggo. He still eludes capture. I'll bet they're sorry they didn't tag him with a GPS chip when they still had the chance.
Access Denied
The entire security system for the main building is down, and no-one's swipe cards work anywhere. Except in The Shed. We can still go out and in at will. We just can't go anywhere else.
Like the toilets.
Must be some kind of motivational thing.
Like the toilets.
Must be some kind of motivational thing.
08 September, 2005
"Site inspections, eh?"
The project office is trying to catch up with Sluggo to let him know about the contractor that's leaving. But he hasn't given them his personal mobile number (because then they might be able to find him), so they're ringing around all the places he might be.
They've accepted that he's not hiding down here (they only rang three times to check), and they've tried ringing the sites he's supposedly inspecting for the next two days, but no-one there has seen him either.
Sluggo seems to be working hard to get himself in trouble again. Or else he really does think he's as clever as he keeps telling us he is...
They've accepted that he's not hiding down here (they only rang three times to check), and they've tried ringing the sites he's supposedly inspecting for the next two days, but no-one there has seen him either.
Sluggo seems to be working hard to get himself in trouble again. Or else he really does think he's as clever as he keeps telling us he is...
HR, Sluggo-style
Apparently Sluggo had a brainwave on Monday about how to deal with the upcoming staffing crunch on Project Death Spiral. As yet he doesn't know about yesterday's loss of another contractor, so who knows what plans he'll try hatching then?
The summarised version: Sluggo believes it's a viable option to take one of the Death Spiral veterans off the project and throw them into an operational role for which they have no training and no experience, in order to free up my minion for more project work on her return from her holidays.
And if this leaves us short on experienced staff, why, an inexperienced temp can then be brought in and trained up. It will only take a month or so to get them up to speed, and take up a large chunk of my minion's time.
Possibly he realises how obviously flawed his plan is, because he hasn't actually approached my and my minion's operational manager to see whether he's willing to let Sluggo randomly rearrange his staff to fit around Death Spiral's various brain farts.
The summarised version: Sluggo believes it's a viable option to take one of the Death Spiral veterans off the project and throw them into an operational role for which they have no training and no experience, in order to free up my minion for more project work on her return from her holidays.
And if this leaves us short on experienced staff, why, an inexperienced temp can then be brought in and trained up. It will only take a month or so to get them up to speed, and take up a large chunk of my minion's time.
Possibly he realises how obviously flawed his plan is, because he hasn't actually approached my and my minion's operational manager to see whether he's willing to let Sluggo randomly rearrange his staff to fit around Death Spiral's various brain farts.
07 September, 2005
Negative reinforcement
Ah, good old Sluggo... Leave it to him to remind me of why I'm leaving here.
I wonder if it would be out of line for me to ask him for a detailed breakdown of what Death Spiral activities he has in progress and how he proposes to hand his work over to PMv1, because I'm increasingly concerned about Death Spiral's apparent lack of direction?
By close of business today, naturally, as he is leaving Death Spiral before I am.
(Seriously, demanding that I have stuff to him "by close of business today" is simply laughable when he's planning to spend the rest of the week conducting "site inspections" and not check into The Shed or the Project Office at all. I don't use the word "wanker" often, but in his case I feel its perfectly warranted.)
I wonder if it would be out of line for me to ask him for a detailed breakdown of what Death Spiral activities he has in progress and how he proposes to hand his work over to PMv1, because I'm increasingly concerned about Death Spiral's apparent lack of direction?
By close of business today, naturally, as he is leaving Death Spiral before I am.
(Seriously, demanding that I have stuff to him "by close of business today" is simply laughable when he's planning to spend the rest of the week conducting "site inspections" and not check into The Shed or the Project Office at all. I don't use the word "wanker" often, but in his case I feel its perfectly warranted.)
Racing the Titanic
One of the contractors is very excited, as she's found another job and starts on Monday. Even more exciting for her, she doesn't have to see Sluggo ever again, as he dropped by this morning to chat and told us that he'll be doing "site inspections" for the next couple of days and will see us for an update meeting next week.
"Site inspections" seem to be what he does when he has enough of working up in the Project Office and runs out of pretexts on which to come down to The Shed. Instead he announces that he's off to inspect one of the sites related to the other two projects he's managing.
(Although he's said recently that one of these has been shelved for the moment, so you'd think that would cut down on the sites he needs to inspect. And he spent a lot of time inspecting sites last week, too, come to think of it. Funny, too, that these always seem to take place shortly after lunch...)
But anyway, this means that three weeks from now, Death Spiral will be manned by my minion (freshly returned from holidays with no idea of what she's walking into), one contractor of (by then) four weeks' experience, and (possibly) the sole remaining original contractor (now more convinced than ever that she needs to find an escape route). Somewhere in the background our poor business analyst will no doubt be undergoing some esoteric form of torture in the depths of the Project Office for being efficient.
And managing it all will be PMv1, he of the many dodgy initial decisions, staunch advocate of multiple meetings and workshops, and fierce opponent of talking to stakeholders.
At least there's still time to rearrange the deckchairs.
"Site inspections" seem to be what he does when he has enough of working up in the Project Office and runs out of pretexts on which to come down to The Shed. Instead he announces that he's off to inspect one of the sites related to the other two projects he's managing.
(Although he's said recently that one of these has been shelved for the moment, so you'd think that would cut down on the sites he needs to inspect. And he spent a lot of time inspecting sites last week, too, come to think of it. Funny, too, that these always seem to take place shortly after lunch...)
But anyway, this means that three weeks from now, Death Spiral will be manned by my minion (freshly returned from holidays with no idea of what she's walking into), one contractor of (by then) four weeks' experience, and (possibly) the sole remaining original contractor (now more convinced than ever that she needs to find an escape route). Somewhere in the background our poor business analyst will no doubt be undergoing some esoteric form of torture in the depths of the Project Office for being efficient.
And managing it all will be PMv1, he of the many dodgy initial decisions, staunch advocate of multiple meetings and workshops, and fierce opponent of talking to stakeholders.
At least there's still time to rearrange the deckchairs.
Project Death Spiral: grenade without a pin
I break the news to Sluggo that I'm leaving. His reaction is not what I'd expected - I expected he'd mutter and curse for a while because of the impact on Project Death Spiral. Instead he seems excited and happy, and I don't think it's just because he'll be rid of me in a few weeks, because he's not that good an actor. He's positively effusive in telling me what a smart decision it is to get away from here, how it's the best thing I could do, etc etc...
He actually manages to sound sincere. I'm impressed. I didn't think he was capable of that.
And then, almost as an aside, it becomes clear. Sluggo's relationship with PMv1 has been deteriorating steadily (strangely it started to degenerate around the same time Sluggo produced and circulated a document in which he laid the blame for all of Death Spiral's woes at the feet of PMv1), and in a couple of weeks' time Sluggo is handing back control of Death Spiral to PMv1.
So Sluggo wants to hand PMv1 as big a mess as possible, as long as he can't be held personally accountable for it.
What a freakshow I'm working in.
He actually manages to sound sincere. I'm impressed. I didn't think he was capable of that.
And then, almost as an aside, it becomes clear. Sluggo's relationship with PMv1 has been deteriorating steadily (strangely it started to degenerate around the same time Sluggo produced and circulated a document in which he laid the blame for all of Death Spiral's woes at the feet of PMv1), and in a couple of weeks' time Sluggo is handing back control of Death Spiral to PMv1.
So Sluggo wants to hand PMv1 as big a mess as possible, as long as he can't be held personally accountable for it.
What a freakshow I'm working in.
06 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: "It ate that one girl's brain!"
Muah-hah. The new temp that Sluggo brought on with a view to replacing me on the process documentation just sat down with me to go through the processes and the implementation plan I'd been struggling with.
It wasn't so much a learning curve for her as a concrete wall on the runway.
"But you can't do any of this stuff until you cover the basics first. And we're still waiting to do the basics!"
"Well, yes. That's what the rest of us have been trying to tell you since you started."
"But ... none of this makes sense. It's all the wrong way around! You can't do things this way!"
"Yes, we've been saying that, too."
"But ... stupid. It's all so stupid. And full of holes. Hasn't anyone noticed?"
"Well we've all noticed, and it's been pointed out."
"How can you make any progress, working like that?"
"We pointed that out, too."
"Urgh ... brain hurts ... can't think anymore ... why???"
"The project office wanted to go ahead anyway."
"Please ... no more ... brain aneurism ... aarrrrgghhhh"
- THUD -
Another one for the slow learner's class, it seems.
It wasn't so much a learning curve for her as a concrete wall on the runway.
"But you can't do any of this stuff until you cover the basics first. And we're still waiting to do the basics!"
"Well, yes. That's what the rest of us have been trying to tell you since you started."
"But ... none of this makes sense. It's all the wrong way around! You can't do things this way!"
"Yes, we've been saying that, too."
"But ... stupid. It's all so stupid. And full of holes. Hasn't anyone noticed?"
"Well we've all noticed, and it's been pointed out."
"How can you make any progress, working like that?"
"We pointed that out, too."
"Urgh ... brain hurts ... can't think anymore ... why???"
"The project office wanted to go ahead anyway."
"Please ... no more ... brain aneurism ... aarrrrgghhhh"
- THUD -
Another one for the slow learner's class, it seems.
Cow-orker: my own personal Category 5 storm
Bloody hell... I've been trapped on the phone by the Cow-orker for the last twenty minutes as she tries to cajole me into remembering the fine details of an 8,500 unit order from 15 months ago.
I try explaining that I placed the order well over a year ago and my memory of the details is hazy. For some reason she doesn't believe me. In fact she tries to argue that it really wasn't that long ago at all, even through the purchase order she's looking is clearly dated June 2004. I know that for a fact because I made her read it out to me, and she still tries to convince me that I was exaggerating the length of time that had elapsed. Argh. It's a miracle my eye hasn't started twitching.
"I'm sure a mistake was made," she repeats for the fiftieth time as she describes (in Cow-orker terms, of course) all the steps she's taken to query a database system I haven't used in four months. "I need to know about 900 of those units - can you remember who out of the 200-odd clients covered on that order these ones were ordered for?"
It's a struggle to convince her that I can't. She seems to be set against believing that I can't just give her all the answers to the questions she's asking.
You can probably tell just how much meaningful input I've been able to have in this conversation by the fact that I've been typing this one-handed while she babbles away on the other end.
On the bright side it's been a glowing reminder as to why it would be so terribly foolish to apply for any jobs back at my old work...
I try explaining that I placed the order well over a year ago and my memory of the details is hazy. For some reason she doesn't believe me. In fact she tries to argue that it really wasn't that long ago at all, even through the purchase order she's looking is clearly dated June 2004. I know that for a fact because I made her read it out to me, and she still tries to convince me that I was exaggerating the length of time that had elapsed. Argh. It's a miracle my eye hasn't started twitching.
"I'm sure a mistake was made," she repeats for the fiftieth time as she describes (in Cow-orker terms, of course) all the steps she's taken to query a database system I haven't used in four months. "I need to know about 900 of those units - can you remember who out of the 200-odd clients covered on that order these ones were ordered for?"
It's a struggle to convince her that I can't. She seems to be set against believing that I can't just give her all the answers to the questions she's asking.
You can probably tell just how much meaningful input I've been able to have in this conversation by the fact that I've been typing this one-handed while she babbles away on the other end.
On the bright side it's been a glowing reminder as to why it would be so terribly foolish to apply for any jobs back at my old work...
Candid Camera
Sluggo is trying to schedule recurring weekly appointments with me. Apparently no-one's told him yet that I'm leaving. It feels like one of those candid camera episodes where some poor sod is lured in off the street and given some meaningless and humiliating task to do while the host gloats via voice-over: "Now, what we haven't told him is..."
So the universe appears to have a sense of justice after all. And if it has a sense of humour, too, I'll get to be there when he ends up getting the metaphorical pie in the face.
So the universe appears to have a sense of justice after all. And if it has a sense of humour, too, I'll get to be there when he ends up getting the metaphorical pie in the face.
01 September, 2005
Project Death Spiral: *everybody* needs steenkin' badgers
Introduced The Shed to http://badgerbadgerbadger.com. Now all three contractors have it lodged firmly in their heads, and have had to turn the radio on to stop themselves singing quietly "Badger badger badger" without realising it.
Which is a pity, because before they did that they were doing a lovely job of singing it in rounds.
Which is a pity, because before they did that they were doing a lovely job of singing it in rounds.
One, two, Freddy's coming for you...
Our business analyst, trapped in the Project Office to stop him talking to stakeholders, heard a rumour that one of the senior project managers conducted regular headcounts throughout the day to keep track of the contractors making up the majority of the Project Office staff (one of the quirks of the Project Office is that they advertise for and hire large numbers of contractors with specific fields of expertise ... and then assign them to projects outside of their skill set. The Project Office Manager takes the Dodgeball approach - "If you can manage a project, you can manage anything").
He didn't believe the stories.
Until yesterday, that is, when he noticed the project manager in question slip out of his office and move quietly about the Project Office checking cubicles and counting heads, before returning to the Great Whiteboard and making notes on the "Naughty" and "Nice" list. He repeats the exercise two more times that day, and carries out all the checks again today - once at 8.30am to make sure everyone's in, again shortly after morning tea to make sure that everyone's come back, and then again after lunch.
"I kept my head down and pretended I didn't notice him. I was afraid of what would happen if he saw me watching."
He didn't believe the stories.
Until yesterday, that is, when he noticed the project manager in question slip out of his office and move quietly about the Project Office checking cubicles and counting heads, before returning to the Great Whiteboard and making notes on the "Naughty" and "Nice" list. He repeats the exercise two more times that day, and carries out all the checks again today - once at 8.30am to make sure everyone's in, again shortly after morning tea to make sure that everyone's come back, and then again after lunch.
"I kept my head down and pretended I didn't notice him. I was afraid of what would happen if he saw me watching."
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