Unfulfilled ambitions

Walking back from a meeting, and Ted E. reminisces about his childhood for no readily apparent reason: "Did you ever used to tie cotton around the legs of blowflies? That always used to be fun..."

So much becomes clear about his behaviour: he's obviously a frustrated serial killer too shiftless and lazy to ever have moved beyond torturing insects and co-workers.

One more time, with pictures.

Ted E. is having something explained to him for the nth time. The hyper-efficient team member is painstakingly showing him the process for doing something he's constantly complaining about, but stubbornly refuses to learn.

Ted E: "Oh, I'll need to get someone to write this down. It's all very complicated."

Hyper-Efficient Team Member: "I emailed you the workflow last week."

Ted E: "Really?"

Hyper-Efficient Team Member: "Yes. It was the one with all the pictures in it."

Me: [loud snort of laughter quickly turned into a cough]

Hyper-Efficient Team Member: "Oh. Or maybe I sent you the one without pictures by mistake..."

Which is uttered in a tone of such innocent apology that it becomes impossible for me to stay at my desk any longer.

Introducing the semi-functional illiterates

Ted E. is puzzled. He's been sending emails to an automated system rather than the staff who run the automated system, and one of them has finally emailed him back to tell him what he's doing, and why it won't get the kind of results he's hoping for.

They very kindly cc'ed the email to my entire group, which is why I now get to snigger at Ted E.'s expense.

But, as I say, he's puzzled ... and he's had to ask The Invertebrate if he understands what it means. And, if he does, can he please read it again to Ted E. and explain it as he goes.

"Must possess good communication skills..."

The Invertebrate: "It would be good to be able to do this in one foul swoop."

Professionalism: it's overrated anyway...

Paraphrasing ensues.

Email from Ted E. to me personally, cc'ed to the team in general:

1. Is the incomplete, inaccurate, and incoherent form email I cobbled together from copy-and-paste when I wasn't making lolspeak look like Shakespeare okay to send out to clients?
2. Shall we change how we do something I don't like doing and want to find lazy shortcuts for, when none of the reasons we do it this way have changed?
3. Where is the 2009 information for this? I've looked everywhere and it's not there, and no-one tells me anything.
4. Is there anything else I need to know about for 2009?

My reply (to Ted E. and team):

1. No, it wasn't client-friendly, was missing vital information, and looked like it had been plagiarised by the proverbial village idiot with a word-processor. I've written an English-language version that we'll use instead;
2. No, moron;
3. They're exactly in all the places you claimed you looked, and have been for several weeks (thank you Netware Info properties tab). Here are the paths in order to assist your meagre comprehension;
4. I don't know, is there?

I admit, I was greatly attempted to simply refer all these to the Invertebrate and let him agonise about the answers until he could find a car in need of repair ... but if Ted E. thought they were important enough to email to everyone, the least I could do was graciously accept the opportunity to beat him in public.

Creeping cynicism

After a hard morning trying to rewrite someone else's email, the Invertebrate has taken it upon himself to look after my division's transportation and maintenance needs instead. Rather than let the transport people do what they're paid to do and take care of organising spare tyres and replacement fuel caps, the Invertebrate is spending the afternoon zipping about the place buying the parts and delivering them personally.

I'm sure this has nothing whatsoever to do with having no background or experience in the area he's supposed to be managing.