Filing by attrition.

The filing, then ... The running battle to convince La Mondaine that filing was her assigned task may have been won, but the war continues.

First there was the terrible problem that La Mondaine wasn't simply able to take the suspension files out of the filing cabinet and stick them straight into the archive boxes...

Well, technically she could but then wasn't able to close the lid afterwards.

Okay, well, technically she could close the lid, but only by half-destroying it and bending the metal strips on the files in the process. Yes, that's correct. Being unable to close the lid in the first place wasn't a big enough hint that it wouldn't work - she had to push things to a literal breaking point.

After a half-hour panic attack, she called Archives for advice, and was swiftly told that no, she couldn't just leave the lids sitting loosely on top of the boxes. No, there weren't special extra-large lids she could use and, no, they wouldn't consider ordering in extra-sized ones just for her.

After hyperventilating for a while, she removed some of the suspension files from the boxes and then placed them back inside, optimistically assuming that this would somehow cause the boxes and files to reconfigure themselves into more useful dimensions.

Weary sighs greeted their failure to spontaneously resize themselves.

Eventually The Invertebrate wandered past, La Mondaine poured out her troubles to him, and he made the mistake of suggesting the solution that had occurred to me back at the outset but which I'd refrained from mentioning because it was only going to lead to pain.

"How about you just take the paperwork out of the suspension files and put it in the boxes like that? It's all in manila folders, anyway, isn't it? Just archive it that way."

And that's a perfectly sensible suggestion. It's exactly what I'd have said, except previous experience with La Mondaine tells me exactly what's going to happen next.

"But then the files will all fall over! They won't be able to stand up without the hanging file!"

"Can't you just file them flat?"

"Noooo! Because then we can't sort through them!"

"But ... we're archiving these and sending them off-site because they're old. As long as we know what's in the box, we don't need to be able to rifle through them like files, surely?"

"The Stress Fiend will be angry if I file them flat! They have to stand up!"

(La Mondaine is frequently paralysed by fear of the Stress Fiend. So much so that it's becoming a problem.)

"Well, I don't know, just try to put enough in each box that they hold each other up."

"But they'll slip down. And then they'll be flat. And the Stress Fiend will be angry!"

She hyperventilates some more. The Invertebrate looks on helplessly. The filing reaches an impasse yet again.

To be continued...

Stubbornness vs Stupidity. Round One.

The Invertebrate says: "La Mondaine, I'd like you to leave the computer systems alone and just concentrate on sorting out the inventory and filing we brought you back here to help with in the first place."

La Mondaine hears: "Computer systems! Right! I'll get right on it!"

[There then follows several short and emphatic conversations between me, the Stress Fiend and The Invertebrate during which it's made clear to him - again - that La Mondaine must not be allowed to touch any kind of digital record or worflow under any circumstances].

La Mondaine flounces in to work: "What would you like me to do today?"

The Invertebrate: "Concentrate on the filing. It's in a halfway state at the moment, and it's making it hard for the others to find stuff easily."

La Mondaine: "Right!"

[Five minutes later]

"What shall I do with the request from this client? I started trying to sort it out for them, and then it got really complicated..."

[The Stress Fiend goes on annual leave. The Invertebrate & I discuss how to keep everything running, seeing as senior management still won't allow us to replace Ted E. Personally I'm all in favour of just letting things collapse in a heap, because that seems to be the only thing that provokes management into actually acknowledging there's a problem. We agree - in the sense that I tell him this is how things must be - that La Mondaine will be pointed at the filing and banned from doing any work that involves a computer].

The Invertebrate is off-site for a management team bonding exercise. La Mondaine arrives to "work".

"What would you like me to do?"

"The filing."

"Not the service desk queue, or the email?"

"No, just the filing."

[A few minutes of silence].

"What do you think The Invertebrate would like me to do?"

"The filing."

"Are you sure? Maybe I should go on with something else just now, and we can ask him when he gets in."

"No, we spoke about this yesterday and agreed the filing is what you need to concentrate on."

"Oh..."

[Later.]

"This is driving me mad! When will The Invertebrate be in?"

"He's offsite all day. He won't be in."

"Oh. Was there anything else he wanted me to do today?"

"Filing."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Would you like me to - "

"No. Filing."

""How about I - "

"Filing."

"Oh..."

And so it comes about that the filing is finally - finally! - underway.

Gone, but *still* not forgotten. No matter how hard we try.

Oh, lord. I'm trying to unravel the mystery of Ted's efforts at stock control, and it's not so much a case of going down the rabbit hole, as it is tip-toeing along the edge of a black hole and trying not to fall in.

I've never seen straightforward incompetence elevated to the level of creative genius before.