They say: "If you hit problems with this, don't spend more than a couple of hours on it. We're paying them for support we never use, so we may as well use it this time."
Two days later I say: "We don't know how to make it do this. None of the documentation even mentions it, so we don't know if it's even technically possible in the first place. Everything's on hold until we can get this resolved - can we call the company and get them to help us?"
They say: "Look it up on Google. We're not getting support in just to help you out."
05 September, 2006
I'm still here
I have a workmate. Let's call him Ted E., because he talks just like Ted E. Bare
"This is quite complex. Earlier on you were looking at something that I've now decided looked like this, so I'll give this to you to work out."
I look at it. Get a headache. Make sense of it. I take it back to Ted E. and try to explain to him why it's complex and how it can be handled. Ted E. looks pained.
"Yes ... yes... All I was trying to show you was that it was complicated. So I've been doing it this way."
"This way", unfortunately, is the wrong way and involves labelling something as something else which it clearly isn't, and then trying to treat it as such. Not surprisingly this isn't working terribly well, hence the complexity of the problem he's raised.
"Well," I try to begin, "perhaps what we need to do is start by calling this what it is, and then building on that."
Ted E. looks confused. "But I've been doing it this way." (For some reason I begin getting flashbacks to Spinal Tap and their speakers that go up to 11.)
"That's what I'm saying. Maybe we need to look at doing it a different way that's a better reflection of what it actually is."
"That's why I was trying to show you how complicated it is, and why this is what I've been doing with it."
Let's try again. "It is complicated, which is why I think we need to consider doing it differently and treating it as something that's distinct from what it's been treated as so far."
Pause. Ted E. frowns slightly. "But this is what I've been doing with it."
He catches my look of pained frustration and misinterprets it completely. "It is very complicated, like I showed you. How about you go away for a while and think about the best way to tackle it?"
It's like wrestling with a giant sponge - as soon as I get tired of applying any pressure, he springs back into his original shape.
"This is quite complex. Earlier on you were looking at something that I've now decided looked like this, so I'll give this to you to work out."
I look at it. Get a headache. Make sense of it. I take it back to Ted E. and try to explain to him why it's complex and how it can be handled. Ted E. looks pained.
"Yes ... yes... All I was trying to show you was that it was complicated. So I've been doing it this way."
"This way", unfortunately, is the wrong way and involves labelling something as something else which it clearly isn't, and then trying to treat it as such. Not surprisingly this isn't working terribly well, hence the complexity of the problem he's raised.
"Well," I try to begin, "perhaps what we need to do is start by calling this what it is, and then building on that."
Ted E. looks confused. "But I've been doing it this way." (For some reason I begin getting flashbacks to Spinal Tap and their speakers that go up to 11.)
"That's what I'm saying. Maybe we need to look at doing it a different way that's a better reflection of what it actually is."
"That's why I was trying to show you how complicated it is, and why this is what I've been doing with it."
Let's try again. "It is complicated, which is why I think we need to consider doing it differently and treating it as something that's distinct from what it's been treated as so far."
Pause. Ted E. frowns slightly. "But this is what I've been doing with it."
He catches my look of pained frustration and misinterprets it completely. "It is very complicated, like I showed you. How about you go away for a while and think about the best way to tackle it?"
It's like wrestling with a giant sponge - as soon as I get tired of applying any pressure, he springs back into his original shape.
25 June, 2006
Not dead yet.
No, I'm not dead. Yes, I've been slack. But things have been happening, and I've been persistently unwell (over it now), and it's possible I may soon be leaving for Cow-orker free pastures once again (like I haven't tried that one before).
For the last few months I've been working two jobs - one, wrangling the Cow-orker; the other, doing similar work (minus Cow-orker wrangling) at another organisation. My week's been split in half between the two, which has limited my exposure to the Cow-orker. It also means that my working week now very clearly has a sane part, and a crazed, irrational part where my day is dominated by the Cow-orker and the Crazy Man. If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone was trying to conduct bizarre psychology experiments on me.
In fact I don't know better. Hmm...
Anyway, the two jobs situation looks set to end shortly (unless the Crazy Man pulls something bizarre and HR-related from someplace unthinkable) and in the near future I'll almost certainly be moving full-time to the sane workplace. It has its own quirks, to be sure, but there are no prominent Cow-orkers, Project Managers, or sequels to Project Death Spiral lurking in the offing. All I need for them to do now is to work out quite what they want me to do there on an ongoing basis. And then, of course, make sure it's an ongoing basis and not just something that wil evaporate at the end of the year.
But what this means is that once again (ha-hah) I'm facing the prospect of having dramatically less to post here.
This hasn't been helped by the fact that the Cow-orker herself has actually gone slightly sane. No, really. She's just separated from The Spouse, and the lack of mutual insanity at home seems to have made her slightly more rational at work. Slightly. And there are signs that it's wearing off already, so it's possible that she's going to continue her random acts of berserker stupidity in the workplace, but in different ways. But, as I've said, unless the Crazy Man acts fast to keep me there, I'm not going to be directly exposed to the madness.
So that's where things are at right now. There'll be a random smattering of updates to come as I begin ploughing through recent e-mails and catch up on things.
For the last few months I've been working two jobs - one, wrangling the Cow-orker; the other, doing similar work (minus Cow-orker wrangling) at another organisation. My week's been split in half between the two, which has limited my exposure to the Cow-orker. It also means that my working week now very clearly has a sane part, and a crazed, irrational part where my day is dominated by the Cow-orker and the Crazy Man. If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone was trying to conduct bizarre psychology experiments on me.
In fact I don't know better. Hmm...
Anyway, the two jobs situation looks set to end shortly (unless the Crazy Man pulls something bizarre and HR-related from someplace unthinkable) and in the near future I'll almost certainly be moving full-time to the sane workplace. It has its own quirks, to be sure, but there are no prominent Cow-orkers, Project Managers, or sequels to Project Death Spiral lurking in the offing. All I need for them to do now is to work out quite what they want me to do there on an ongoing basis. And then, of course, make sure it's an ongoing basis and not just something that wil evaporate at the end of the year.
But what this means is that once again (ha-hah) I'm facing the prospect of having dramatically less to post here.
This hasn't been helped by the fact that the Cow-orker herself has actually gone slightly sane. No, really. She's just separated from The Spouse, and the lack of mutual insanity at home seems to have made her slightly more rational at work. Slightly. And there are signs that it's wearing off already, so it's possible that she's going to continue her random acts of berserker stupidity in the workplace, but in different ways. But, as I've said, unless the Crazy Man acts fast to keep me there, I'm not going to be directly exposed to the madness.
So that's where things are at right now. There'll be a random smattering of updates to come as I begin ploughing through recent e-mails and catch up on things.
16 May, 2006
Cow-orker: Client torture
Hot off the phone to the dentist, the Cow-orker is wondering why a client is giving her grief for giving him instructions for installing software that can't possibly work on his computer.
I try to explain to her the reason the instructions she's given him can't possibly work on his computer: she knows he's using a Mac, yet she keeps giving him instructions for installing the software under Windows with the advice that "but this is how it works under Windows!" and is struggling to grasp why he doesn't find this helpful. Because his response ("This won't work for me because it doesn't work this way on a Mac") isn't enough of a hint.
She's dismissed him as being too much of a pain to deal with, and has gone to morning tea to de-stress from the whole situation.
I try to explain to her the reason the instructions she's given him can't possibly work on his computer: she knows he's using a Mac, yet she keeps giving him instructions for installing the software under Windows with the advice that "but this is how it works under Windows!" and is struggling to grasp why he doesn't find this helpful. Because his response ("This won't work for me because it doesn't work this way on a Mac") isn't enough of a hint.
She's dismissed him as being too much of a pain to deal with, and has gone to morning tea to de-stress from the whole situation.
Cow-orker: medical histories
The Spawn has a dental appointment after a checkup revealed it needed a vast amount of fillings. Despite The Spawn's sugar-rich diet, the Cow-orker seems surprised and has been on the phone to the dentist for the last fifteen minutes.
So far the hapless dentist has been advised that The Spawn is an "exceptionally perceptive" child, and that the dentist shouldn't make the mistake of treating the wunderkind like any normal five-year old. Apparently comforting lies are okay, however, as the Cow-orker has been telling The Spawn that having half-a-dozen fillings won't hurt and she won't feel a thing. The trouble is, she's just discovered from talking to the dentist that it will, in fact, hurt (anaesthetic needles still being needles, after all) and is trying to get the dentist to give her a way out of the situation.
Exactly how she expects this to work is unclear.
In a flashback to the memorable day when the Cow-orker told me her mother once had a tooth growing out her nose, the dentist has also been treated to an extended discussion of the Cow-orker's teeth, her family's teeth, and those of The Spouse and his whole family.
(It seems his family suffers from a hillbilly-like congenital defect that leads to broken, missing and discoloured teeth. Alternatively it could just be that they are hillbillies, and simply drink and smoke to excess and rot their teeth in their heads. Or maybe it's something to do with the aliens that have been hanging around their backyard.)
Eventually the phone call reaches its point. I think. It seems that the Cow-orker is less concerned with The Spawn's dental welfare than with establishing a plan of attack for when The Spawn realises Mummy & Daddy lied about the dentist not hurting. The plan she's aiming for is to have the dentist accept all the blame for the lies.
So far the hapless dentist has been advised that The Spawn is an "exceptionally perceptive" child, and that the dentist shouldn't make the mistake of treating the wunderkind like any normal five-year old. Apparently comforting lies are okay, however, as the Cow-orker has been telling The Spawn that having half-a-dozen fillings won't hurt and she won't feel a thing. The trouble is, she's just discovered from talking to the dentist that it will, in fact, hurt (anaesthetic needles still being needles, after all) and is trying to get the dentist to give her a way out of the situation.
Exactly how she expects this to work is unclear.
In a flashback to the memorable day when the Cow-orker told me her mother once had a tooth growing out her nose, the dentist has also been treated to an extended discussion of the Cow-orker's teeth, her family's teeth, and those of The Spouse and his whole family.
(It seems his family suffers from a hillbilly-like congenital defect that leads to broken, missing and discoloured teeth. Alternatively it could just be that they are hillbillies, and simply drink and smoke to excess and rot their teeth in their heads. Or maybe it's something to do with the aliens that have been hanging around their backyard.)
Eventually the phone call reaches its point. I think. It seems that the Cow-orker is less concerned with The Spawn's dental welfare than with establishing a plan of attack for when The Spawn realises Mummy & Daddy lied about the dentist not hurting. The plan she's aiming for is to have the dentist accept all the blame for the lies.
01 May, 2006
Cow-orker: suffer the children
"Ohmygod ohmygod! The Spawn got in trouble at school for the same thing she did last week! What's wrong with this misbegotten child?"
And she leaps onto the phone to ring around her family and mobilise them so they can all unite in condemnation of The Spawn and impress on her what an awful child she is for acting like a five-year-old rather than the child prodigy she's supposed to be. (Because there's nothing like a consolidated effort at scarring a child for life to encourage good behaviour).
[And in the middle of all this, the Secondary Cow-orker is telling me all about her latest mobile phone plan and why she chose it. My eardrums are under siege from all sides.]
Listening to the Cow-orker bewailing having given birth to the Antichrist, it becomes very clear that she's actually scared of the hyper-intelligent Spawn and is frightened of having to deal with a childish temper tantrum.
You just know The Spawn is going to grow up to be a serial killer.
And she leaps onto the phone to ring around her family and mobilise them so they can all unite in condemnation of The Spawn and impress on her what an awful child she is for acting like a five-year-old rather than the child prodigy she's supposed to be. (Because there's nothing like a consolidated effort at scarring a child for life to encourage good behaviour).
[And in the middle of all this, the Secondary Cow-orker is telling me all about her latest mobile phone plan and why she chose it. My eardrums are under siege from all sides.]
Listening to the Cow-orker bewailing having given birth to the Antichrist, it becomes very clear that she's actually scared of the hyper-intelligent Spawn and is frightened of having to deal with a childish temper tantrum.
You just know The Spawn is going to grow up to be a serial killer.
Marketing strike again
"But this is terrible! All the prices we just mailed out to 7,000 new clients are wrong!"
"Why didn't you check the prices first?"
"Because this is what they were last year when we were buying them through a different supplier!"
The marketing manager then begins to panic and spin an elaborate story about how, in the past, the other supplier gave us a special price on these items at the start of each year, and maybe if the new supplier gives us the same special price that will help her cover up that she messed up majorly this time. Two problems with that, though: we didn't carry this stuff at all before last year, and the old supplier didn't do anything of the sort.
The marketing manager gibbers some more and tries to claim it's not her fault that she didn't check any of the information before she sent it out to people.
I think this may even be the first time I've actually seen someone think their way into a state of self-delusion aloud and in front of others... Even the Cow-orker tends to get by with making huge and painful leaps of Cow-orker logic inside her head.
"Why didn't you check the prices first?"
"Because this is what they were last year when we were buying them through a different supplier!"
The marketing manager then begins to panic and spin an elaborate story about how, in the past, the other supplier gave us a special price on these items at the start of each year, and maybe if the new supplier gives us the same special price that will help her cover up that she messed up majorly this time. Two problems with that, though: we didn't carry this stuff at all before last year, and the old supplier didn't do anything of the sort.
The marketing manager gibbers some more and tries to claim it's not her fault that she didn't check any of the information before she sent it out to people.
I think this may even be the first time I've actually seen someone think their way into a state of self-delusion aloud and in front of others... Even the Cow-orker tends to get by with making huge and painful leaps of Cow-orker logic inside her head.
25 April, 2006
The spirit of cooperation
I've made a partial escape from the Co-worker and am now splitting my time between my old department and working in a similar role at another department across town.
My bosses from the new department to a mailing list:
My bosses from the new department to a mailing list:
"Bootcamp poses licensing problems for all of us. Has anyone had constructive advice from Microsoft or resellers about how to approach this?"My boss from my original department (the Crazy Man), replying to the mailing list:
"As you're probably aware JZ now works here. [Everyone: "Who?"] From his email & practical loading of 2 betas, he now possesses an iMac which can boot into 3 operating systems. VMWare costs much more than the software J's using, even after buying copies of Windows XP, so why would you bother with VMWare just get a Mac, load parallels & Bootcamp & away you go with whatever OS takes your fancy or more than one if you want. Why would you waste money on buying a PC :)"New department bosses (scratching their heads), to me:
"WTF?"
19 April, 2006
Cow-orker: the enemy of my enemy is also my enemy ... or something
My ex-manager was trying to get an answer (or even a grunt of acknowledgement) from a couple of workmates who are angling for a severance package. After an increasingly exasperating conversation, she gets a response ("Yes we've seen it, no we haven't responded to it") and exits in frustration.
The disgruntled aspiring retirees (both with a long history of shouting at people until they get what they want) begin complaining loudly about having been harassed, humiliated and bullied. The Cow-orker steps in to set the story straight and put them in their place.
Later that day the Cow-orker visits our ex-manager to let her know how things went. "And then I stood up for you and told them that you weren't bullying them, you were being condescending and patronising. Why are you looking at me like that?"
The Cow-orker then runs away to the Crazy Man to complain about our ex-manager's ingratitude. And now she's complaining to me about how our ex-manager is behaving unreasonably by being upset just because she went and threw petrol onto the bonfire of disgruntlement.
The disgruntled aspiring retirees (both with a long history of shouting at people until they get what they want) begin complaining loudly about having been harassed, humiliated and bullied. The Cow-orker steps in to set the story straight and put them in their place.
Later that day the Cow-orker visits our ex-manager to let her know how things went. "And then I stood up for you and told them that you weren't bullying them, you were being condescending and patronising. Why are you looking at me like that?"
The Cow-orker then runs away to the Crazy Man to complain about our ex-manager's ingratitude. And now she's complaining to me about how our ex-manager is behaving unreasonably by being upset just because she went and threw petrol onto the bonfire of disgruntlement.
14 April, 2006
Cow-orker: delayed response
Yesterday
Cow-orker: "I don't understand what you did with this in 2004. Do you remember?"Today
Me: "No, that was two years ago. But I kept the relevant e-mails in the central file."
Cow-orker: "This thing I asked you about yesterday... I don't understand what you did with this in 2004. Did you keep any e-mails?"
11 April, 2006
With friends like, er, me...
Have persuaded a friend to apply for the Token Human's job (that was formerly the Cow-orker's job before she came back and took my job - if the organisational incest continues at this rate we should see our first crop of cubicle hillbillies any week now).
Anyway. I felt vaguely guilty about encouraging him to put in an application, so I sent him the URL for the old site. This didn't deter him.
Maybe he thinks I was exaggerating.
Muah hah hah...
Anyway. I felt vaguely guilty about encouraging him to put in an application, so I sent him the URL for the old site. This didn't deter him.
Maybe he thinks I was exaggerating.
Muah hah hah...
Cow-orker: Actually slightly worrying
My god. The Spawn is home sick, left in the care of The Spouse. But The Spouse was asleep when the Cow-orker left this morning, and is still asleep now. I know this because the five-year-old Spawn keeps calling its mother to let her know what it's doing, and that Daddy is still sleeping. The Spawn has tried to wake The Spouse up, but keeps getting told to go away and let him sleep.
If the Cow-orker seems concerned that her Spawn is effectively at home alone and unsupervised, she's hiding it remarkably well.
Later:
That's a relief (in more ways than one) - she's left early so she can go home to The Spawn.
06 April, 2006
Cow-orker: taking the Manson Defense
"I'm going to have to ring this client and stir them," says the person who gets mortally offended when clients get unhappy with her, "It's in my nature."
I'm pretty sure serial killers use that defense, too.
01 April, 2006
Cow-orker: To Boldly Go...
This is a strange and unique experience in pain. The Cow-orker is away for the next couple of days and I'm using the opportunity to tidy up the work instruction documentation for this section.
I'm now charting the dangerous waters of a 70-page document, around of half of which was originally written by me, and all of which has since been subject to extensive Cow-orker updating and reformatting.
God, this is making my head hurt so much. Not just the pidgin English, but the fact that just inserting a line break between paragraphs can cause half the document to spontaneously reformat itself. Clearly her gift for database design extends to word-processing...
I'm now charting the dangerous waters of a 70-page document, around of half of which was originally written by me, and all of which has since been subject to extensive Cow-orker updating and reformatting.
God, this is making my head hurt so much. Not just the pidgin English, but the fact that just inserting a line break between paragraphs can cause half the document to spontaneously reformat itself. Clearly her gift for database design extends to word-processing...
25 March, 2006
Cow-orker: Let Sleeping Wildebeest Lie
It's strangely quiet. Then a strange snuffling, grunting sound breaks the silence - the Cow-orker has fallen asleep at her desk.
Hah! One mighty snort and she frightens herself awake, looking around frantically to see if anyone noticed!
Hahahahaha...
Presumably she's crashing here from too many sleepless nights at home, waiting for The Spouse to come inside from videotaping the alien flyovers and trying to record her while she's asleep.
I can now back him up on one thing, however - she does snore.
Hah! One mighty snort and she frightens herself awake, looking around frantically to see if anyone noticed!
Hahahahaha...
Presumably she's crashing here from too many sleepless nights at home, waiting for The Spouse to come inside from videotaping the alien flyovers and trying to record her while she's asleep.
I can now back him up on one thing, however - she does snore.
22 March, 2006
Cow-orker: The Truth Is Out There
The Cow-orker was woken again by The Spouse in the small hours of the morning with more video camera antics. This time he was out in the back yard screaming wildly about becoming a millionaire.
Because, you see, he'd just spent the last hour filming UFOs.
And he'd drunk half a carton of beer, which presumably went some way to explaining why the Cow-orker wasn't quite able to share his vision of translating footage of strange lights in the sky near a military airbase into instant wealth.
Yee-hah.
Because, you see, he'd just spent the last hour filming UFOs.
And he'd drunk half a carton of beer, which presumably went some way to explaining why the Cow-orker wasn't quite able to share his vision of translating footage of strange lights in the sky near a military airbase into instant wealth.
Yee-hah.
21 March, 2006
Cow-orker: miscellany
"Oh, I didn't tell you about this, did I?"
"Actually you did."
"Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you all about it all over again."(What she's telling me is the reason behind her decision to switch the brand of recordable CDs she's been using).
No, strangely, I'm not making any progress on this, because some retard keeps interrupting me to talk about everything else that crosses their mind.
"I just sent an email to W***** to set up a meeting. I also asked him blah blah blah..."
Gah! I know you sent him an email, because you cc'ed me. You don't need to read the whole thing aloud to me again!Cow-orker: plotting & scheming?
Joy. I've just had the fallout from another bout of "moral obligation" hysteria fall in my lap.
I think she's also finally gotten wind of the restructure I proposed for her area and is trying to get rid of me now. She found a position going at another department 100 miles inland and up in mountains and thinks I should apply for it:
I think she's also finally gotten wind of the restructure I proposed for her area and is trying to get rid of me now. She found a position going at another department 100 miles inland and up in mountains and thinks I should apply for it:
"Not sure how you'd get there tho since its at ********* :) but mooving wouldn't be as much of an issue."Note the mooving, by the way.
Because we're special...
An anouncement from the office of the second-highest ranking official across our entire organisation:
It gets better. When I pointed it out to the Cow-orker and said how special it made me feel, she replied with:
[Our Dept.] ARCHIEVES COMPLAINCE WITH HEWRRs FOR 2006.
It gets better. When I pointed it out to the Cow-orker and said how special it made me feel, she replied with:
Did you know that if you take and AWA now that [the Dept.] could decide that when it expries they can't afford to renegotiate with you and you revert back to Little Johnnie's so called safety net of 5 minimum conditions for employment?While I'm having some trouble making sense of this, I'm reasonably sure she missed my point entirely.
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